God is Love.

We all have things we like and dislike about ourselves.  When presented earlier this week with the task of identifying 3 things I love about myself, I was surprised by how much I struggled.  We are so quick to believe in the lies we’ve been told about ourselves that it is infinitely easier to pull from that negative list instead.  I rattled off whatever I could muster in the moment, something undeniably nondescript and completely impersonal to who I truly am.  However, the question lingered with me, as they always do, until I decided to make myself a list.  I am supposed to be changing, right?  This is part of the journey.  Renouncing the lies (another post for another time) and retraining my thoughts, yes?  Yes.  Time to put thought into action.
So here is a (very) short list of some of the things I love about ME:
 
1.  I have always been told that I possess wisdom beyond my years.  I have always considered myself an “old soul” and I think these two go hand-in-hand.  It is one of my favorite things about myself.
2. My appreciation for music. (Thanks, Mom)
3. I am a good and resourceful mommy.  I am raising awesome kids and I am proud to be able to take a great portion of credit for that!
4.  I am a good friend, the best really. ;)
5.  I have a HUGE heart.

This last one is my very favorite thing about myself, and yet it causes me SO much grief!  All who know me well know that I LOVE BIG.  Person, place, or thing - It doesn't matter.  It could be my best friend, a pet fish (RIP Charlie!), a song, a pretty sight, a hobby.  I love everyone and everything I let in with a deep, unwavering love and...  Let’s just be real for a second, it’s weird.  I am fully aware of this. I can't help it! I like to build people up and help them see what I see in them.  Truth be told, that's all it really is.  I am blessed to see the very best in people.  The beauty in a song or picture.  I feel the meaning in words and books.  And any one of these things is capable of inspiring immense joy in me.  I think it almost comes off as borderline idolatry, but it isn't.  I am distinctly and equally alert to the "bad stuff" ... but I believe in the good with all of my heart!

People don't typically know what to do with all of this love I have to give.  But why should I be made to feel ashamed of my over sized, overeager heart? ;) I just don't know how to love in pieces! I am an all or nothing kind of girl.
 
As much as I am trying to embrace this part of me, I also believe it is an important part of the journey to understand why I am the way I am.  There is an emotional void, that I suspect comes from fragments of multiple traumas pieced together.  I can often visualize this void smack-dab in the middle of my chest.  A gaping wound, a black hole.  I feel a tightness and an emptiness.  There is literally something missing.  I spent a long time surviving off of nuggets of emotional fulfillment from the people and things in my life.  And even though I've known for quite some time that no one person or thing could fill the void, I was blocking the love of God from my life.  I needed, and still need, healing that only the Holy Spirit can provide.  And He does.

You see, God is love.  It's a difficult concept for our earthly minds to comprehend.  God IS love.  He is the very essence of love, and all love flows through Him.   There is a great divide between knowing He loves you and feeling that love.  However, once you bridge that gap, there is no greater fulfillment than experiencing His love.  That is because His love is unconditional.  It is satisfying and it is perfect.  God does not want you to live in emotional torment, so ask for His help. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3) I am learning to place my hurts in His hands, and He is giving me rest.  That gaping hole in my chest?  It's being filled each day with the Father's perfect love.  I know now that there is Somebody who loves me with the depth I've sought for in others, and then some! When I feel emotionally gratified in Him, it alters the intent of my love for others.  There may never be an abundance of people that understand why I love so BIG, but He does.  And I have to be true to the heart that He gave me, as you should be true to yours...