Blowing Sunshine

Today, a classmate stopped me on my way out and shared with me that she really enjoyed a presentation I gave in class.  She went on to say that I came across very collected, at ease, and that I really knew my stuff.  I was so touched that she would go out of her way to share that with me and it left quite an impression.

It got me to thinking (surprise, surprise!), that it is SO rare that we genuinely compliment one another.  Even in circumstances in which we are trying to be helpful, we are quick to call attention to each others flaws and shortcomings.  I have been in a whirlwind of personal growth lately, and yet, it is constantly pointed out to me what I need to change, with very little attention paid to what I'm getting right.  I'm not saying we should ignore the less than appealing parts of ourselves and those of our loved ones, but at the risk of sounding cliche, where is the love? (Did anybody else hear Justin Timberlake's voice in their head just now?  ...wish I hadn't)

Think of that feeling you get when somebody pays you a compliment.  That tiny seed of fulfillment, validation from a peer. (yeah, yeah.. I know, I like my validation.  Sue me.)  It brings a smile to your face, the sun seems to shine a little brighter. :P  Now consider how that feeling is greatly magnified when that compliment comes from someone you least expect or a total stranger.  That's a game changer. ;)  I know I'm not the only one who delights in that feeling.  By nature, we not only want to feel good but to make others feel good.  How often have you felt inspired to share a kind word with someone, and in second-guessing yourself, decided against it?   

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV) states, we should "...encourage one another and build each other up..."  And we most definitely should!  Doesn't get much clearer than that!  We are given a heart that yearns to love and comfort others, and yet, so often we dismiss these pulls and pushes in the name of social acceptability.  Ugh!  Thumbs down.  

I challenge you to be bold!  When you think of something flattering about somebody else, SPEAK UP!  Praise them!  Say whatever is in your heart, and give that person the feeling we all revel in.  I wholeheartedly believe it's not only what Jesus would DO, but what he would want. Once you conquer this challenge today, hit the repeat button.  :)  What harm could possibly come from being just a little bit nicer, a little bit sweeter, eh?? 

So, my loves, get out there and blow some sunshine up somebody's butt today! 

Love my nieces to pieces!

Every little girl dreams of growing up and getting married, right?  Not me.  Growing up, all I ever really wanted to be was a Mommy.  Somewhere along the way I missed the connection: marriage then Mommy.  I had visions of something akin to Old Mother Hubbard, minus the shoe.  I began compiling lists of baby names when I was 7 and my Mom was expecting my sister.  It was the year of Aladdin, and I remember being rather sure that my sister was destined for the name, Jasmine.  :)  I became particularly convinced after my sister was born that I would grow up and have 3 daughters.  Even throughout my teenage years, my desire for babies of my own never wavered.  Scary thought!  And still the idea remained, 3 beautiful daughters. 

It took 30 weeks to determine the gender of my modestly cross-legged baby BOY.  I was baffled.  "Boy?  What do I do with a boy?"  I wasn't ungrateful, per se, but it definitely took some getting used to! (and yes, I'm fairly ashamed to admit that)  Fast forward 4 years and the good Lord has blessed me with 2 amazing boys! They are awesome and bring me so much joy.  I could gush about them for days.  I love them so completely, and there isn't a girl in the world I would trade them for!  In fact, I've come to find that I feel meant to mother boys.  Not that I think I'll never have a daughter, for that is up to the Big Guy, but I feel like maybe I have something special to offer in molding these little men.

I fully believe that it is by this same divine intervention that I am blessed with 3 beautiful nieces!  (No nephews so far!)  Ohhh, and they melt my heart!!  I am supremely smitten by my splendid sweethearts.  Three incredible princesses that I get to love as my own, spoil rotten, and then send 'em on home!! Being an Aunt has been unmatched by anything, except motherhood.  And for me, they are really more adjacent anyway.  I feel the same call and responsibility to my gorgeous girls as I do my handsome boys.  Nothing beats the swell in my heart when I see my charming primadonna spinning in a purple dress, a well-earned smile from my little rag doll, or the smell of a perfectly pink newborn held close to my chest. There's just something special about little girls. You teach me how to love well, and what it means to be loved well. 😍


To my nieces: Stella, Skyler, and Emma, these are my words to you:

Never grow up! ;) I make it my personal duty to see to that!  I promise to read you books and feed you ice cream when Mommy isn't looking.  I guarantee many, many tickle fights and lots of laughter and kisses.  I cant wait to introduce you to some quality music, and I look forward to the dance parties that will ensue!  On the other hand, I promise to teach you manners, respect, and courtesy. Compassion for others and the importance of an education.

Life is confusing. It's full of glorious moments that will capture your heart and take your breath away, and in the next fell swoop, the ground beneath your feet will seem to crumble.  But know this: I will love you ALWAYS, through thick and thin, exactly as you are.  I will protect you... from those who try to hurt you, but also from yourself.  I will be your safe place and your rock. I will always have a hug to give and a shoulder to cry on.  I will listen to every story and praise your every accomplishment.  No matter how scary the world, know that the good always outshines the bad.  And believe in that with all your heart.  I promise to help you cultivate a relationship with your Heavenly Father, and to show you the infinite peace He provides.  Be strong, but tender.  You can do anything a man can do, but do it well.  Embrace your inner beauty and let it shine as a light for others to follow.  Take time for yourself.  Work hard.  Don't give up and never question that you are capable of great things. Whenever you're in doubt, please remember, you just being you is enough. It will always be enough. You are extraordinary.  And if you ever need reminding of how breathtaking your you-ness is, just give me call.  
From the moment I first held each of you, I knew I would do anything for you.  You are each an irreplaceable part of me, as I hope to be to you.  I am one very lucky Aunt.  I love you, girls.  Always and forever.  
Love,
Aunt Jessa


Father, I want to thank you for bringing me 3 wonderful nieces who capture my heart.  They are a true blessing and I am so grateful and happy that you have chosen to share them with me.  Each of them is so special in their own way.  I thank you for Stella's affectionate heart that loves hard and breaks harder.  I pray she never loses that wide-openness.  I thank you for Skyler's easygoing nature and her silly hair that never fails to make me giggle.  I am especially thankful for the safe and healthy arrival of Baby Emma.  She is a perfect reminder of what is really important in this life, and I thank you for using her to speak to me.  I ask, Lord, that you rain blessings upon each of them so that they may have everything they could ever dream of and more, for I know you have plans to prosper them.  Father, I ask that you use me as a vessel to teach them of Your love and mercy.  I pray that you will protect them and keep them near to you always.  Lastly, Father, I pray that your grace flows through me so that I may have the opportunity to impact their lives like they have impacted mine.  I can't thank you enough for these precious girls.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

Call Me Captivated...

I wish I could capture the feel of the wind on my face and keep it near to me forever. Somehow stick it in my pocket to pull out on days when I just need reprieve. It's gentle push against my skin reminds me that I am alive, that I can feel.

I've spent two days in a row sitting in this park. It's beautifully secluded from the roaring rumpus of city life. To the untrained eye it's little more than a small, well-kept park. To me, it's a place of peace. The only place I can think of that allows my thoughts and prayers to float free. The wind picks them up and carries them away to the Lord. My soul knows no confinement in this place. The walls of my heart come down and I am left completely unguarded and exposed to absorb everything around me.  The chirping of birds, the color in the trees, the flags waving boldly in the breeze. The beauty here allows me to connect with the Holy Spirit in a deeply rejuvenating way that I can't seem to find elsewhere. 

I find myself here when my heart is heavy, when I feel unsettled or uncertain. When the tightness and the emptiness in my chest become unbearable.  Nothing would make me happier than to take up residence on this bench and do nothing but lie here and stare up at the sky every day of my life. To simply be here with the Holy Spirit who moves me. 

Time gets away from me here. When I close my eyes and pray, He is with me and sends a tingle all over my skin, much like the wind. I never want to leave.

I am instantly reminded of a quote from the book Captivating. It reads, "...remember what it's like to come into a beautiful place, a garden or a meadow, or a quiet beach. There is room for your soul. It expands. You can breathe again. You can rest. It is good. All is well."  Yes, it is. No matter the hurt in my heart, when I set foot in this place, Jesus knows why I am here. And He always delivers. He never fails me or fails to understand me. He doesn't disappoint. He fills me up and quiets my aching heart. He is always good. 

God is Love.

We all have things we like and dislike about ourselves.  When presented earlier this week with the task of identifying 3 things I love about myself, I was surprised by how much I struggled.  We are so quick to believe in the lies we’ve been told about ourselves that it is infinitely easier to pull from that negative list instead.  I rattled off whatever I could muster in the moment, something undeniably nondescript and completely impersonal to who I truly am.  However, the question lingered with me, as they always do, until I decided to make myself a list.  I am supposed to be changing, right?  This is part of the journey.  Renouncing the lies (another post for another time) and retraining my thoughts, yes?  Yes.  Time to put thought into action.
So here is a (very) short list of some of the things I love about ME:
 
1.  I have always been told that I possess wisdom beyond my years.  I have always considered myself an “old soul” and I think these two go hand-in-hand.  It is one of my favorite things about myself.
2. My appreciation for music. (Thanks, Mom)
3. I am a good and resourceful mommy.  I am raising awesome kids and I am proud to be able to take a great portion of credit for that!
4.  I am a good friend, the best really. ;)
5.  I have a HUGE heart.

This last one is my very favorite thing about myself, and yet it causes me SO much grief!  All who know me well know that I LOVE BIG.  Person, place, or thing - It doesn't matter.  It could be my best friend, a pet fish (RIP Charlie!), a song, a pretty sight, a hobby.  I love everyone and everything I let in with a deep, unwavering love and...  Let’s just be real for a second, it’s weird.  I am fully aware of this. I can't help it! I like to build people up and help them see what I see in them.  Truth be told, that's all it really is.  I am blessed to see the very best in people.  The beauty in a song or picture.  I feel the meaning in words and books.  And any one of these things is capable of inspiring immense joy in me.  I think it almost comes off as borderline idolatry, but it isn't.  I am distinctly and equally alert to the "bad stuff" ... but I believe in the good with all of my heart!

People don't typically know what to do with all of this love I have to give.  But why should I be made to feel ashamed of my over sized, overeager heart? ;) I just don't know how to love in pieces! I am an all or nothing kind of girl.
 
As much as I am trying to embrace this part of me, I also believe it is an important part of the journey to understand why I am the way I am.  There is an emotional void, that I suspect comes from fragments of multiple traumas pieced together.  I can often visualize this void smack-dab in the middle of my chest.  A gaping wound, a black hole.  I feel a tightness and an emptiness.  There is literally something missing.  I spent a long time surviving off of nuggets of emotional fulfillment from the people and things in my life.  And even though I've known for quite some time that no one person or thing could fill the void, I was blocking the love of God from my life.  I needed, and still need, healing that only the Holy Spirit can provide.  And He does.

You see, God is love.  It's a difficult concept for our earthly minds to comprehend.  God IS love.  He is the very essence of love, and all love flows through Him.   There is a great divide between knowing He loves you and feeling that love.  However, once you bridge that gap, there is no greater fulfillment than experiencing His love.  That is because His love is unconditional.  It is satisfying and it is perfect.  God does not want you to live in emotional torment, so ask for His help. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3) I am learning to place my hurts in His hands, and He is giving me rest.  That gaping hole in my chest?  It's being filled each day with the Father's perfect love.  I know now that there is Somebody who loves me with the depth I've sought for in others, and then some! When I feel emotionally gratified in Him, it alters the intent of my love for others.  There may never be an abundance of people that understand why I love so BIG, but He does.  And I have to be true to the heart that He gave me, as you should be true to yours...

Me, a messenger?

“You are just the messenger.  HE does all the work.”  Simple, yet powerful words relayed to me by a dear friend.  

I encountered a young autistic child today who was exhibiting disturbingly mature behaviors for someone of his age.  Naturally, I was his chosen target for the day.  Though taken aback, I quickly wrote these behaviors off as "quirky," and tried to push through the remainder of what promised to be a long day.

After several hours of undesired attention from this boy, I noticed something in him I can only describe as... familiar.  I looked to my trusted friend for some sort of relief, and in true fashion, she managed to surprise me.  She did not see my story for it’s own "quirky" humor, nor it’s sullen complaints.  She saw it for what it truly was and opened my eyes wide! It was not only an opportunity to intercede and pray for this hurting child, but a lesson in how and why we should.  To pray against the situations he has been subjected to, to pray away the negative effects to his young soul, and to pray protection over him.  And to do so in a way I had never done before.

“Why didn’t I think of that?” I pondered. The thought was smothered by the sudden heaviness I felt.  My emotions engulfed me.  I instantly recognized his pain.  

"You can do this." she said.  My chest began to tighten.  I could feel the anxiety rising in my body.  I could have let it take over, as is so often the case.  But what good would that have done?  So instead, right then and there, I gathered my thoughts, checked my feelings, and prayed.  With my whole heart, I prayed every prayer I could conjure for that child.  Every prayer I thought he needed, and every prayer I wish somebody had prayed for me. I took his message to the Lord and asked for healing.  

I spent much of the afternoon dwelling on her words.  "You are just the messenger.  HE does all the work."  A few uncomplicated words so perfectly strung together, that in those moments, I was able to completely transcend the limits of my being to do and be all that He had asked of me.  Fully trusting in the fulfillment of His promises.  Even now, her words just move me.  Messages to God, messages from God... this is uncharted territory for me.  Seriously, me, a messenger?  What does that mean?  And why are we really supposed to pray for others?  What is the purpose of intercession, if we believe that our God is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient?  Is there one "right" answer?  How much of this am I meant to understand and how much should I accept in blind faith?  (It's easy to see how my thoughts get away from me)

So, why didn't I think to stop and pray on my own?  Why did I need my own personal messenger to guide my thoughts today?  Turns out, it's because I'm a selfish, terrible person.  Ha!  Just kidding!  I don't think I entertained the idea offhand because prayer is not yet my first line of thought.  It is easy to FEEL moved to pray.  Let's be honest, I didn't feel like praying for this kid... I felt like running away screaming in the opposite direction.  I am so new to the true power of prayer that I haven't yet wrangled what it means to THINK with a constant prayerful attitude.  This is, no doubt, an ongoing growth process.  It is my duty to train my thoughts, so to speak, to match my heart.  We are reminded in James 5:16 to "pray for each other so that [we] may be healed."  Praying for others forces us to put aside our selfishness and spiritually focus on them.  Our Father knows the power of prayer, and while it is vastly important to bathe our brothers and sisters in prayer, it also strengthens and deepens our relationship with Him.  And what, I ask you, is more important than that?

Hello, my name is...

Jessica.  Single mother.  Struggling student.  Nurse, thinker, and warrior.  Total basket case!  But most importantly, Child of God.  I am in the midst of many life changes, a place of unfamiliar territory.  Often found fighting through the darkness while reaching for the light.  I am excited, I am fearful, I am changing!

Like many others, I am often perplexed by life's peculiarities and how to approach them.  I am unsure of who I am in this big and scary world, where I stand, and what I stand for.  What is my greater purpose?  And what WOULD Jesus do, anyway?  As I walk deeper into my blossoming relationship with The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit, I find I am insatiably thirsty for knowledge, growth, ...roots.  I am hopeful.  

I am a newbie. I am still learning to turn to God for everything that pains my heart.  For everything that sparks a smile.  For everything, period.  I am discovering that I can lean into Him, and he will simply wrap his arms around me and give me peace.  He cannot be overwhelmed!  I’m learning what it means to pray and how.   It is a grand commitment, to be sure, choosing Faith.  It is a decision to relinquish everything you think you know to be true, and submitting to His will, His word, and His truth.  It takes courage and dedication ...but it is proving to be the most beautiful and rewarding exploration of my life.  

So, I invite you to join me on my journey with Jesus to find joy, rest, and all the answers to my burning questions!  Help me to peel back the layers, stop hiding behind the lies, and start defining my truths.  Laugh with me, learn with me.  Pray with me.  Walk me through my misunderstandings.  Let this be a forum for us to share in all things, big or small.  Come what may.  If you have questions, ask!  If you have answers, speak!  Thoughts?  Spill.

This is me.  Vulnerable and exposed, in all my question-asking glory! Committed to finding my identity in Christ.  Look out world, Jessica is braving Jesus!  



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuJWQzjfU3o