A Morning of Reflection

Last night, I worked the graveyard shift as part of my first official on-call weekend (one of the less thrilling requirements of my new position at work). There is something uniquely peaceful about the overnight shift.  Even in it's most chaotic moments (and there were several), it's got nothing on day shift. After being up 27 straight hours, I fully anticipated sleeping until supper, but here I am bright eyed and... (what's the opposite of bushy-tailed?)... oh, yes... feeling like I've been hit by a train... at noon.  In my waking moments, the Lord tapped me on the shoulder with a beautiful reminder of what today is.

One year ago today, I graduated nursing school.  There is a part of me that, in my stature and self-confidence, can't believe it's only been a year.  The other part of me is dumbfounded by how fast it went and how different my life is in such a short time. This time last year, the scariest thing ahead of me was passing NCLEX (which I did in the minimum number of possible questions, thank you very much!) That achievement alone is what truly unlocked the door to my new life.  In the year since, I have provided a home for my children, purchased and paid off a car, grown and matured into someone I am proud of, and secured a future for myself and my boys by following my heart into a career that I am utterly passionate about. 

I am also reminded that it was this month, two years ago, that I first began clinicals in nursing school. I walked into a facility that would change my life forever. I couldn't have handpicked a more positive, more nurturing first experience for honing my newly acquired skills. There was a cohesiveness in that place that, even then, I knew was special. It's only now that I can truly understand and appreciate the beauty in a bonded team. By the time my rotation was over there, I had fallen in love with those people, that place, and the town in which they resided. I left a piece of my heart in that facility, knowing some day I'd come back to claim it. My whole soul wanted nothing more than to be part of that team.

9 months ago, I was offered an interview there. I couldn't explain it at the time, but I could hear the Lord, as clear as day, telling me my dream job was not where I thought it was. The same day, I accepted a job elsewhere.  Obedience to God is a funny thing. I hated my job. I was drowning in a place where there was NO concept of team. No training, no education.  I worked each day in fear for my precious, new license. No matter how hard I prayed for a different option, the Lord never would release me from working there. Leaving just never felt like an option.  Finally, the tide changed and the obedience began to pay off. I moved and made my life in the little town that I loved so much. That same month, one by one, He brought my dream team to me. Now, I work with the most incredible women who have taught me and molded me into the nurse I am today. With their guidance, I have persevered and gone from drowning to flourishing.  I owe every ounce of that to their vision, patience, and their loving kindness to see me through.  My life is different because I met them, but my heart... my heart is supremely blessed for getting to know them.  I thank God for them every chance I get, and for being allowed the chance to be a part of the new dream team.

I am grateful beyond measure that God crossed my path with theirs.  I have the life, the job, and the friends that I dared to dream about two years ago. What an incredible triumph!  God is good all the time. God is so, so good and this entire journey has been for His glory. I simply would not have come this far if I had not been repeatedly and abundantly blessed by Him. It is a beautiful gift to be in such a place that I can reflect back to a completely different time and see my Father's hand in my big picture, every step of the way.  I never want to forget the feeling of thankfulness in my heart today. He is a big God who does big things, and just as He promised... He has given me the desires of my heart. I could never do anything to earn this kind of favor... it is a beautiful and perfect gift from above.

The Lonely Hearts Club

Most days, I fancy myself superwoman. I do it all. I do it well. And I do it (mostly) alone. I am intensely devoted to my kids, my career, and just about anything else that strikes a fire in my heart.  Most days, I fancy myself superwoman... but not today.

Today, my heart echoes in it's emptiness. I yearn for something more. In true fashion,  instead of discovering what "more" means in this chapter of life, my ever-familiar flight response is revving within. I want nothing more than to jump in the car, turn the music up, hit the open road and drive until my soul finds Peace.  And I would... If I didn't know, with absolute certainty, that this same dull ache in my chest would be waiting right here for me when I return. 

Loneliness is new territory for me. I am usually quite content to be alone. I keep less than a few close friends. I enjoy being single. My anti-social awkwardness has frequently stopped me, but never bothered me. I enjoy my own company and have rarely desired much more.

But lately... lately, between the busyness of life and the exhaustion that follows, each and every one of my relationships have suffered. Some of them are okay but lacking, some sorely damaged, while others have plummeted into a dark abyss of my own creation. I spend a lot of time being too tired to worry about it, and the rest of my time regretting that I let it go this far.

I've also been letting a life-sucking fear drive me around for months now. I am suffocating somewhere between a fear of failure and a fear of happiness.  I dont want to fail my kids again, lose the life I've built, feel the things I used to feel, or ever let my life look like it once did.  But I feel like I'm a hamster on a wheel, running fast and hard just to... maintain. Never moving forward, just waiting in anxious anticipation for the other shoe to drop.

The "more" that I am yearning for is decidedly this: more friends, more time, more deeply fulfilling relationships. For the first time, I think I am desiring new friendships in addition to repairing and enhancing the old ones. I miss my family and want to restore those bonds. I want more enjoyment in my life. More love. More God. I want things to be both the way they used to be and yet better than ever.

So, as much as I desire fulfilling relationships, I think it's important to spend some time regaining my identity outside of "mommy" and "nurse."  Taking a little less care of others and a lot better care of myself. I have to get me all straightened out, but most importantly, I've got to get right with God. And after that? After that, I'm going to start repairing the rut in my relationships.  I will start seeking new friendships with people who share my interests and who are as giving as I am. I will stop investing in those relationships where there is an imbalance of give and take.  I will build my new life to be exactly as I always imagined it to be, and I will conquer these draining fears. I will step back into the call for freedom and dance in it. I have come too far and worked too hard to be this dissatisfied with myself and my life. Something has to give.

All I can say is... somewhere along the way I lost my tenacity, my zest, my me-ness. And let me tell you, there is nothing more disappointing than realizing you've lost your you-ness. I just want to catch my breath. I want to feel like me again. I want to re-become the person who relinquishes control and trusts the Lord. The person who seeks the Lord first and most,  rather than forcing herself to be in relationship Him.

Most days I fancy myself superwoman... but not anymore. I only want to be exactly who He created me to be.  I'm done spinning my wheels.  Today is the day I stop running and start living...

An Attitude of Gratitude

Lately, I'm finding that my heart has been emptied of it's love and joy. Instead, it has been full to the brim with anger, resentment, and an aloofness that goes against my very nature. Yes, every ounce of peace has been drained dry; every smidgeon of hope squeezed out to a slow, thick drip. I'm an analytical person, logical to the core. I like to understand things, for everything to make sense somehow.  So, I continue to look inward, searching for the event, conversation, or precise moment where this shift occurred; but no matter the effort or desire, I just can't seem to find it. It just is. This change in demeanor doesn't make sense to me. More than that, I continue trying to bottle it up and shove it away in hopes that it will just... disappear.

I was taught, time and time again, what to do in times like this. You know - Surrender it to God. Pray. Repent. Pray again. Make sure I've really surrendered it. Pray some more.
...You get the picture.
The problem is, I feel so guarded. So shut off and disconnected, disinterested.. that I have no idea how to get to that praying place. The enemy begins to whisper lies in my ear and it just overtakes me.  I'm consumed by complaints, negativity, and frustration. Final Destination: ingratitude.

Ingratitude is not a place we, as followers of Christ, should live in. In fact, the less we remain in the grateful place, the easier it is to backslide into this negative, worldly consumption.  Life is messy. WE are messy.  Every day we are faced with situations and circumstances that create stress, which distract us from the many things we have to be thankful for. We get so caught up in our responsibilities and anxieties that thanking God falls off our radar completely.  We often overlook how important it is to make a conscious connection, moment to moment, with the Holy Spirit. We forget to give thanks for what He is doing in & through us each day, be it trial or triumph.

So how do I begin wading through the muck to get back to the grateful place? Sheer force! Force yourself to say that prayer, read that verse, go to church.  Whether you feel it or not, whether you have the words or not... There is power in the attempt. Make a list if you have to, of all the blessings and grace He has gifted to you. Whatever it takes to start chipping away at the Great Wall of Ingratitude, so that eventually, you may be reminded just how green the grass is on His side. (Then, jump that wall and don't look back! :D )

Gratitude is so crucial to our faith walks. When you give God the glory for all He has done in your life, blessings will continue to pour out for you. Additionally, giving thanks to the Lord is like hitting the refresh button for your faith. You are immediately reminded of where you've been, what He's given you, and the possibility of what's to come. This further cements and reinforces your relationship with Christ and strengthens your trust in His presence, His faithfulness, and His unfailing mercy.

Even in the hardest times of our lives, we have SO much to be thankful for. Consider what a life with Christ means. Consider what was sacrificed for each and every one of us, and the gift of salvation. Is it enough for you? Are you thankful?  Let that put things in perspective when you find yourself feeling ungrateful. Consciously shifting your focus is the quickest way to adjust to an attitude of gratitude.  Lastly, remember that there is relief, unmatched, in the love of the Lord ...and no matter how long you shy away, He will always be waiting with open arms. Always.

The Search For Rest

I don't know about all of you, but I'm tired. Exhausted, really. I am a single mother raising two boys, the sole provider for my household, and an overly-attached nurse working 50 hrs a week. Somebody's daughter, sister, friend. For all intents and purposes, my life is pretty good compared to what it used to be. I should be smiling. I should be happy. I should be so much more than this... but all I really am, is tired.

So tired, in fact, that even the things that were once enjoyable for me, now feel like work. My hobbies, my down time, ...my faith. Yes, in a world that is whirling around me in fast-forward, whirring in it's white noise, I am finding it harder and harder to stay connected and committed to my relationship with God. There, I said it: I am far busier than He ever intended me to be. And for what??  Without Him in His closeness, I feel purposeless, disconnected, & discombobulated. When did I allow myself to become this busy?

The Bible speaks very highly of rest. We can trace it all the way back to creation. In Genesis 2, after creating ALL the universe, the Lord saw that His work was good and rested on the seventh day. I don't imagine that this was because our Almighty, all-powerful God was all tuckered out. I like to think He was giving us a gentle nudge toward a standard of living. We all have work that is required of us, but when the work is done, we should spend some time resting.

Rest does not come easily for us, especially in a world so obsessed with distraction. We've got to have more, do more, be more. And what should happen if we slow down? Will the world, as we know it, forget to turn? Will all things come to a screeching halt because we choose to indulge in a little R&R today? NO. This is why rest feels like a foreign concept to us. It goes against our grain. To rest means to slow down, in all capacities, and trust that God will take care of things for you.

The next verse that comes to mind, and probably the most obvious, is found in Matthew 11:28-30.  "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."  
My initial reaction is, "I'm sorry,  WHAT? Where is this elusive rest, this 'light burden'? And how do I get me some of that??"

...Aaand then I float back down to earth and remember... it's really not that complicated, resting in the Lord. The Lord did not create us to be anxious, busy, worried. We were created to be free, restored, and renewed.  So how do we find the Lord's rest?

It begins with that trust I was talking about earlier. Do you believe, with all your heart, that God has got this? Do you trust that He will gladly bear the weight for you? Do you have faith that He will awaken you when the time is right?  Then, "do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Phil 4:6) Pray! Thank Him for His goodness. Thank Him for the trials. Thank Him for the blessings that come with a busy life - it could definitely be worse! Then, ask Him for those things you need, ask for rest. Listen closely for His voice. The rest will follow (no pun intended). This kind of rest eliminates all worry and fear. There is no anxiety in this rest. There is no striving forward, nor looking back. You simply rest in the presence of our Lord, knowing full well He has you covered. Close your eyes, breathe it in, and be thankful that we serve a God who loves us this much.

The Fight for Control and the Art of Surrender

“Hi, my name is Jessica, and I’m a control-freak.” she says, nervously wiping the sweat from her brow.  

Yep.  That’s me.  I am a die-hard, gotta-have-it, addict for control.  I like it, I like it ahh-lawt.  I’ve always justified this particular character flaw because I don’t necessarily find myself with a desire to control other people.  I mostly just prefer to be in complete control of myself and my surroundings at all times!        (Some reasoning, eh?  As if this somehow makes me less ridiculous. ;)

So as I said before... Hi, my name is Jessica, and I'm a control freak. 
(Say it loud, say it proud?)

Control likes to sneakily disguise itself as feeling capable and responsible, when it actually involves trying to cause or force things to happen.  It is about directing behaviors and trying to acquire power over people and circumstances.  We try, with all our might, to finagle the outcomes we think we need.  We put forth exhausting efforts to fit a square peg into a round hole so that we can feel accomplished, safe, and secure in the end-results.  And even though I AM GUILTY AS CHARGED, I must say... THIS IS STUPID!  Mostly because I'm learning that control is an illusion!  One that is nearly ALWAYS rooted in fear or anxiety.  Absolutely, undoubtedly, no way around it!  No amount of perfectionism on my part can alter this cold, hard truth.  I don't want to fail.  I don't want to be wrong.  I want it done right.  I need answers.  I don't want to be embarrassed or taken by surprise.  I don't trust the ground beneath my feet.  ...So I attempt to control myself, my environment, and my kids.  And it just isn't working. 
Why not?

Because we are not in control.  We weren't made to be, we aren't meant to be, we never will be.  God is in control.  He doesn't need our help or our input. He's got it together and He sees the bigger picture, even when we can't.  Struggling with control issues has provided a very special hindrance in my walk with the Lord.  Why?  Because releasing my perceived control requires a ton of trust.  In theory, it's so easy to believe this whole "God is in control" thing.  Hey, I’ll even spout it off to somebody who wants or needs to hear it.  And I'll believe it... for them.  But my need for control mostly comes from a lack of believing, deep down in my core, that God truly has this covered.  He knows me, has me, keeps me, LOVES me, and He works ALL things together for my good.  I feel like I should start saying that as a morning mantra.  Over and over and over, until I know and feel the abounding love and power of those truths.

It’s a tricky thing, control.  It mirrors pride and fear in many regards, but especially in the way it seeps into so many parts of who we are.  It tugs at the root of all our major issues.  I've spent a lifetime thinking I was self-sufficient.  I was completely unaware that Jesus would totally take that load off my shoulders.  So now I have to learn what it means to give God the control I never really had.  I have to release it from my death grip!  I now know, with certainty, that Jesus calls us to be free from our baggage and burdens.  He brings all the good stuff and the bad stuff together and creates something beautiful out of our everyday messes; all in one ever-evolving, awe-inspiring, astonishingly intricate grand design.  He desires to deliver us from our ailments and I desire to be free.  

So to combat our control issues, we must learn the art of surrender.  If we used the same energy to surrender ourselves to the will of our Father that we use trying to plan, prevent, and predict everything we would accomplish SO much more!  Stop fighting against yourself, your world, and your relationships.  Instead of trying to use force to manage everything, try letting it be.  Let it be.  When you recognize you are being dominated by the spirit of control, make a deliberate effort to let it go.  Be conscious of it and make a shift from control into surrender.  

Sometimes, it's helpful to pinpoint what exactly is driving the need for control in that moment.  Is it based in fear or something else?  Is it true?  I like to visualize myself taking

my burden-of-the-moment in my hands, and laying it down at the Lord's feet, in prayer.  I give it over to Him and ask Him to take it away.  It's particularly fun when it vanishes in a cloud of smoke.  Find a tactic that works for you and make it your go-to.  Let the peace of surrender wash over you.  Allow the Lord fill you with his ever-loving presence and free you from your demons.  Bathe in the feeling of freedom after each success with surrender, and ride the residual above and beyond the next wave.  Consciously surrender yourself to God's will in all areas of your life and allow Him to give you rest.  It's the best rest you'll ever get! ;)


"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free." Gal 5:13