The Widow's Offering

Being that it is *that* time of year and the holiday hustle and bustle has begun, I often find myself reminiscing on the memories and traditions of my childhood.  I was surprised by a story from my past that bubbled it's way to the surface recently, no thanks to those pesky bell-ringers hanging around outside all of my favorite shops. 

The year that I was 8 years old (Hello, 1995!), my parents gave me the opportunity to earn money for Christmas shopping by doing chores and tasks around the house.  I worked my 8-yr old fingers to the bone for what begs to be remembered as months, though I'm fairly certain it was only a matter of weeks. ;)  When all was said and done, I prepared to go shopping with my Mom, a whopping $25 and a detailed list in tow.  (Whether that list was mental or actual, I don't recall.)  I can still feel the excitement in my little girl-heart at the thought of using my very own money to buy special presents for those I loved.  The only gift I vividly recall wanting to purchase, as it was the 90's, was a Skip It for my best friend, Amanda!  I was CRAZY for my Skip It and desperately desired for her to have one so that we could "skip it" together. lol  (Love that picture -totally symbolic of my childhood; cracking up!)

I can still see it now.  We come to the first stop, and I eagerly hop out of the good ole' Chevy Silhouette aka "Ruby," all bundled up in my winter jacket.  Holding my Momma's hand, we are nearing the door to the store when I notice a familiar jingling of bells.  "Why are they ringing those bells, Momma?" She answers me by saying something like "They ring those bells so people will put money in those little buckets, and that money goes to help families who don't have things for Christmas."  I stopped and let that thought sink in a bit.  Then, with only brief hesitation, I walked  forward and put my $25 in that little red bucket.  

I think my Mom was slightly shocked, yet full of pride.  I'm sure she probably asked me if I was sure that's what I wanted to do with my money, and I'm sure I said yes, though this part of my memory is a little foggy.  However what I do remember is that we didn't make it two steps inside the door before I was crying my little eyes out. Lol.  My Mom asked me "What's wrong, sweetie?" and through my sobbing, I managed to utter "I can't buy Christmas presents now." In the end, of course, my Mom allowed me to do my shopping and said she would pay for it for me.  I was even able to get a Skip It for Amanda.  Best favor ever. lol

On the voyage home that day, my Mom shared a story with me that she said was from the Bible.  She told me about a group of people who were giving their offerings at church.  She said there were many rich people putting lots of money into the collection box.  And then there was a poor widow, whom I'm pretty sure she termed an "old lady," (lol) who gave her last two pennies.  And how that meant so much more to Jesus than all the money the rich were giving, because she had given everything she had.  I remember feeling a warmth in my heart and a peace that I had made Jesus happy.  An eagerness to give was planted in me that day, and her story stuck with me all these years.

About a month ago in my journey through the book of Mark, I ran across this story for the first time in my life. I'm not calling my mother a liar, but I'm not sure why I always secretly thought she made that story up to make me feel better that day.  hahaha!  Turns out, my Mom and her Bible knowledge are legit. (Sorry, Mommy!)  It can be found in Mark 12:41-44.  
"Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts.  But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.  Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others.They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.” (NIV)

That day I was gifted with a beautiful lesson that shaped a big part of who I am.  It was a defining moment that followed me into life with Jesus.  My identity in Christ and the fulfillment of my purpose are tied into that single moment where a seed and a story were planted.  It is so important to be giving with the gifts the Lord has blessed us with.  The widow may have only given two coins, but they were her last!  This was an act of great faith!  She gave all she had, fully trusting that the Lord knew her needs and would provide.  Our giving is an act of love and praise for God.  It is meant to be a sacrifice; it's about parting with what you'd prefer to keep in order to bless somebody else.  Giving to others is an opportunity to glorify God for his gift to us: the offer of unmerited salvation through His one and only Son. 

I think it is important to note that I'm not focused solely on money here.  We should also be generous with our time, love, forgiveness.  Giving ourselves over to God.  So, this holiday season, let us keep the important things in mind.  Let us not be distracted by the the hustle and bustle, the giving and receiving of costly gifts, the commercialism.  Those things are all good and fun, but be conscious of giving back to others from a place of love.  For, "God loves a cheerful giver." (2Corinthians 9:7)  When we give with a pure and willing heart, He takes notice!  I welcome you all to find at least one opportunity to step outside of yourself and give back in some way this holiday season; be it through your church, a community outreach, or a personal friend.  You find your way of blessing somebody to gLoRiFy your Father in Heaven.  Tis the reason for the season, yo!

 

Yes, to my surprise, I still remembered all the words to this commercial. :D

My sweet Mason

Tonight, I was cleaning the bathroom and the rustling of noise woke the baby.  He's such a light sleeper.  He sat up in his crib and gave me the biggest smile, eyes still half-closed and full of sleep, softly meeting the roundness of his chubby cheeks.  It may have been the most adorable thing I've ever seen.  So, I stopped what I was doing and said "Do you need your Momma?" And without missing a beat, he hopped to his feet and said "Oooout?" This boy never disappoints, he's such a little lover and fully enjoys every opportunity to snuggle. (I don't know where he gets it from)  So, when I picked him up out of the crib, he threw his arms around my neck in a full embrace ...and well... melted my whole heart into a sopping wet pile of lovey-lovey-goo-goo!!!

While we were cuddling I was reminded ever so gently, by my Heavenly Father, about Mason's whole journey into existence.  What a road we traveled down just to be able to know Mason's incredibly special brand of affection!  You see, my relationship with the boys' dad was hanging by a thread when I got slapped upside the head by a surprise pregnancy.  (I use that term loosely, are pregnancies ever really by "surprise?")  I have spent all of my adult life on the baby train.  Trying to get pregnant, sustain those pregnancies, losing precious babies, and all the pain and frustration that goes along with those things.  So to be sneak-attacked by my pregnancy with Mason, at the worst possible time, was new territory for me.  

I remember being SO angry at first.  I felt trapped in an unhappy, unhealthy situation.  I recall railing at God daily.  I remember all the unspeakable thoughts that I'm too ashamed to put words to.  I hadn't even had the chance to wrap my mind around the idea of welcoming another baby into my world when it started to happen... again.  My body was threatening miscarriage.  So, my Dr. prescribed a slew of "solutions" to a problem I honestly wasn't sure I wanted to solve.  (To this day, I beg forgiveness for that thought every time it rears it's head.)  Ultimately, I decided I could not bear the weight on my soul if I had chosen not to do anything.  So I began all the lovely hormone treatments my doctor had proposed and suffered through blood draws every two days, and then every week, for 14 weeks.

I never would have guessed that THAT could be the easy part.  Not two weeks later, I got a phone call from my kind-hearted doctor explaining to me that the quad screen results had come back abnormal.  There was a 1 in 26 chance that my baby would have Trisomy 18.  Having a fairly firm handle on the medical side of things, I knew that this was just a ratio with a high incidence of false results.  I knew that this meant we would be encouraged to go forward with an amniocentesis.  However, I also knew this meant there was a 25 to 1 chance that my baby was perfectly fine.  It felt like everybody around me was overreacting.  I vaguely recall feeling like I was the comforter rather than the comforted.  Like I was the one being strong when the people around me were freaked out.  I can't tell you how many times the "termination" option was brought up, regardless of the fact that I had just spent so many weeks fighting to keep him alive.  I began researching Trisomy 18, and it was heartbreaking, to say the least.  "Incompatible with life."  Those words echoed in my head every minute of every day.  But true to my nature,  I wanted to be well-versed in what that meant for us, for him, what the options were, etc.  

So, I consented to the amnio.  We learned that day that it was another boy, but I was so distracted by what was to come during the procedure, that I don't remember saying a single word or even trying to pretend like I was excited to know the gender. :D  And then, the amniocentesis failed.  My best friend, Jessica, sat with me through the entire procedure and watched them stab me in the stomach with what I'm certain was a 4-foot long needle! Lol... but, the baby kept moving into the fluid-pocket.  I let them stick me at least twice and then they gave up.  I remember feeling quite confident that God was going to deliver me a healthy baby boy, but was never too far removed from the fear that He wouldn't.  I educated myself on comfort care and the various things we could do to improve his quality of life IF he were to be born with T18.  I prepared myself the best I knew how for what might be coming, knowing there was the possibility of meeting him and losing him.  All the while telling everyone "I can't explain it, I just believe in my heart that he is okay and he is healthy.  And if he isn't, then I believe God will take care of him AND us."  

Mason was my first lesson in trust with the Lord.  You see, I didn't truly know what it meant to have a relationship with God then, but He made sure I knew we were in His hands and at His mercy during that time.  It was also my first lesson in His grace.  He gifted me with the whisper of this baby's name, Mason (brick-layer/stone worker) Elijah (Lord is my God) ...and I never questioned it, even though I had 5 other names in mind. :) Then, some 20 weeks later, I delivered a totally healthy baby boy.  ... 7lbs 11oz, 19.5 inches long ... and as perfect and precious as they come.  Jessica likes to poke fun at me because even at that moment, I didn't cry.  I got ever-so-slightly choked up and let out some ragged sigh of relief.  And promptly fell asleep. ;) lol  

It is only now that I realize Mason laid the very first bricks of my foundation in the Lord, my God.  His name means more to me now than it ever did.  Mason has been the greatest blessing.  He is so loving, hilarious, eager, and adorable.  He has blessed his brother with an amazing bond that I could never have imagined for them.  Glory to God... those boys are in a love affair with each other. :)  Nearly 19 months later, it is Mason who teaches me to lift my hands in wholehearted surrender and give praise to the Lord!  I couldn't have handpicked a more perfect child to round out our little family of 3.  To think of all the wretched thoughts I had in the beginning, to fighting the fight for his life (which was never really in my hands), and all the fear I bore in silence... I wouldn't change a second of it.  Mason was made just for me and my burgeoning journey with Jesus.  Mason was a vessel for Jesus' love, grace, and comfort.  And he still is.  As he laid in my arms tonight, I traced his fingers with mine and thanked God repeatedly for this gift He shared with me.  I took in the sweetness of his face, the smell of his hair, and the purity of the consumption in my heart.  He was never anything other than my very own abundant blessing... ♥

"And the child grew and became strong; he was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was on him" (Luke 2:40 NIV)

Putting Down Roots

I first read The Parable of the Sower in the book of Mark, Chapter 4, but it is repeated several times in the Bible (see also: Matthew 13, Luke 8, and Thomas 9).  So far, this is definitely one of my favorite stories in my personal study journey.  It spoke to me in a profound way, and continues to open itself to me each time I re-read it. 

In this story, Jesus begins to teach by the lake.  A huge crowd gathers and so he goes out on the lake in a boat, while the people are gathered at the water's edge. It is said that Jesus liked to teach in parables, a.k.a. stories.  So, he tells the crowd of people the story of the sower.  A farmer goes out to the field to sow his seed.  And this is what happens:

*Some of this seed falls along a path and the birds come and eat it all up!  

*Some of the seed falls in the rocky places, where there was not much soil.  It sprouted quickly, but wilted under the hot sun and died because there was no nourishment in the shallow soil!  It could not take root!

*Still, other seeds fell among the thorns and these thorns sprang up and choked the young plants, so they could bear no grain.

*And finally, some of the seeds fell on good soil!  It sprouted, grew, and produced a crop - 30, 60, even 100 times what was sown!

When alone again with His disciples, Jesus explains to them the meaning behind this fancy little riddle.  The farmer sows the word, God's message.  When the seeds of God's message fall upon the hard pathway, Satan swoops in (like the birds) to devour all the word that was sown in them and make them forget.  Others, like the seed sown on the rocks, welcome the word with joy!  But because their roots are not yet deep, they "wilt" at the first sign of trouble or persecution.  Then there are those who hear and receive God's word, but get lost in their worldly desires and struggles.  This strangles the word of God in their heart and they fail to produce a crop.  Lastly, the seed that falls on good soil represents the hearts of those who truly accept the word and produce a plentiful harvest for the Lord.

Oh, how I desire to be the good soil that seed falls on!  I don't want to be the hardened person who hears but does not understand.  Nor do I want to be the unchanged weenie that dips out when the going gets tough.  I want to put down roots!  I want to produce a crop a hundred-fold!!  Dig deeper into His word.  Pray more.  Water those seeds and let them bloom!

But how do we get there?  Listen well to our Father.  Accept and apply His messages with great trust!  Allow ourselves to experience the depths of his truth, grace, and freedom!  Let Him overwhelm us with His perfect, unfailing love so that we may live to bear much fruit!! 

So, does your faith-life exemplify the good ground?  If so, what can you do to increase that harvest just a little more?  How can you go from 30 times what was sown to 60 times what was sown?  If you have not put down strong roots yet, how can you dig a little deeper into your relationship with Jesus Christ?  What changes can you make to strengthen that trust and faith?  

Let us not allow those birds and thorns and weeds to distract us from the plentiful harvest we are purposed to produce! 

Spiritual Syncope

Syncope (pronounced SIN-ko-pee), for those not-so-familiar with medical terminology, is just a fancy word for fainting.  Fainting is defined as the brief loss of consciousness that results from decreased blood flow to the brain.  However, in our journeys with Jesus, we can easily fall prey to what I like to call spiritual syncope.  In my mind, spiritual "fainting" is when we temporarily falter and become disheartened in our faith.  We begin to doubt our Father.  We stop trusting in His plan.  Our light becomes dim.  We revert to dwelling on the negative and begin trying to do things on our own again. 

This unfortunate condition can range in severity, from mild to severe.  For instance, 
if you didn't say your prayers or make time for God today, you may begin to feel a little "off."  Or maybe you feel discontent, hurt, or wronged in your relationship with Him as the result of some unsavory battles you've been fighting lately.  Maybe you've begun to feel exasperated in life and God just seems like an abstract idea you can't quite connect with anymore.  Whatever the situation, whatever the severity; it is sinful to think we can take care of anything ourselves.  We must trust in our Lord, remember His promises, and refuse to return to a state of unbelief. 
  

In Christian life, if you aren't moving forward in your relationship with Jesus, you may as well be falling backwards.  I am reminded of a story in the book of John (Chapter 18, yes?), where Simon Peter denies being a disciple of Jesus.  Even after years of walking with the Lord in discipleship, he denies Him still.  That, my friends, is proof that any of us can faint.  It is also important to note that nobody suffers from sudden spiritual syncope!  It doesn't happen at random.  It happens because we are not taking constant, consistent steps forward in building our character and identity in Christ.  It happens because we get cocky and decide we can handle our messes ourselves.  We have to stop!  We have to put every ounce of our trust in our Lord and Savior.  

It is no coincidence that this post follows my "Trial by Fire" post.  Talk about feeling disconnected!!  After a couple of months of endless, heart-wrenching tribulations, I was spent!  I was beginning to forget the truths about my God.  I was shutting down.  However, In Jeremiah 3:22, He says, ^"Return, ye backsliding children, and I will heal your backslidings." (KJV)  
So, how do we return, you ask?  It's easier than you think, if you are diligent in your efforts.  First, take time each and every day to be alone with God.  Be mindful and prayerful during this time.  As my sweet friend reminds me frequently, "Press in."  Draw closer to Him even when you feel like turning away.  If you can't figure out what or how to pray, pray about that!  Just commune with Him however you know to do.  If you continue to seek Him, you will continue to find Him.  Secondly, find ways to re-connect or to strengthen your connection.  Study scripture.  Listen to praise music.  Read Christian books.  Reflect on the undeniable ways Jesus has aided you in the past.  It is important to stay in-sync even when everything feels out of control.  Even when you're not trusting Him, stay focused until you do.  Lastly, keep Christian friends.  It is critically important to have friends of faith to turn to when you are feeling weak in your relationship with your Heavenly Father.  Let them encourage you, let them pray for you.  Let them fill in the gaps where they can.  

Ultimately, we have to learn to stand firm in our faith.  We can't collapse to the floor under pressure or we would never get up.  We have to accept that difficulties will come and go, and our faith will be stronger for them.  "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised." (Hebrews 10:35-36)  
SO, in conclusion, no more silly spiritual syncope, my friends!

KEEP THE FAITH!!

Trial by Fire

Ever heard of Murphy's law?  You know... anything that can go wrong will go wrong..?  Yeah, story of my life.  I often think about just changing my name to Murphy.  I have even asked those around me to begin calling me by my true name, to no avail.  That's probably a good thing though...  Self-fulfilling prophecies and all.  Really, that is the root of Murphy's law.  Of course, the "law" itself doesn't actually possess any magical powers to make our days turn to poo.  We give relevance to it by our own tendency to dwell on the negative things that happen to us.  We seek reasons for our misfortune and get caught up in what we think we deserve.  I am all too guilty of this.  "Murphy" gives Murphy's law way too much power in her life.  I tell you, years and years of pessimism have proven quite difficult to reverse or eliminate on my journey with Jesus.  I'm workin' on it though. ;)

Finding faith in God is not some quick-fix-guaranteed-secret-passage-way to the easy life.  In fact, I'm inclined to say that life is not the least bit "easier" in terms of potholes, speed bumps, and all of it's Murphy-ness.  It is, however, more easily coped with when we learn to fully trust in our Lord and Savior.  Faith is about fostering our relationship with God, turning to Him in the best and worst of times, and recognizing that His plan for us far exceeds our own. 

This can be a major challenge.  It is no easy task finding joy & keeping the faith when the enemy is pressuring, tempting, and attacking you (especially if it seems to be constant). Those attacks feel incredibly personal.  It makes us wonder why we have to suffer through so much "bad luck."  If God loves us so, why does he put us through these things?  Why do bad things happen to good people?  This line of thinking is what makes it so easy for unbelievers!  But, wait!  I've found some answers.  So save yourself the time and worry and listen up! ;) 

Trials and tribulations serve a few different purposes.  I am currently re-training myself to think of each and every struggle as a refining of my faith.  We are the clay and He is the potter. (Isaiah 64:8) By His great hand, we are being molded and shaped into exactly what He envisioned us to be.  We strengthen our faith by learning to rely on Him fully, especially in times of suffering and crisis.  

I think it is important to remember that while the stresses of our struggles are undeniably painful, they are meant to produce positive outcomes.  What if we experience the things we do in order to have a story to tell or a testimony to speak?  What if God is allowing us these trials in order for us to gain special insight and wisdom?  Maybe the purpose is to help others facing the same situations, be it now or in the distant future.  One thing is for certain, the hard stuff is absolutely necessary on the road to spiritual maturity.  All of these tests are designed to bring you to the peak of spiritual growth.  As fire tests and purifies gold, the hardships in life test and purify your faith.  "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." (James 1:2-4 MSG)  We should also take heart in that he never gives us the trial without also giving us the resolution!  We know that God is faithful and He won't give us more than we can bear.  Therefore, we must seek Him for our answers.  Sometimes, the solution may be given to us in some grandiose gesture and other times, it may be gentle and subtle.  But He always provides for those who seek Him.  

Lastly, I think it is through enduring these trials with a steadfast gaze on our Heavenly Father that we prove the genuineness of our faith.  We get to serve witness to the world of the love of Jesus Christ.  We will be the living testimony of God's power to deliver those who believe in Him.  
I mean, does it get any cooler than that? ;)

Dare You to Move

I've been listening to this song for years, & for quite some time before I ever took notice of the spiritual meaning behind the lyrics.  It's been on my iPod for a LONG time, but rarely listened to.  However, nowadays, I love the spiritual subtleties in Switchfoot's music.  There's a greater purpose in that and I love it.  This morning Dare You to Move played while I was in the shower, and even though I've heard it hundreds of times (even recently), the lyrics spoke to me in a profoundly different way today.  The Holy Spirit has been with me all morning, so I shouldn't have been surprised by this sudden spring of inspiration, but I was.  Bear with me as I humbly summarize my thoughts on some of the lyrics, and then hopefully, it will bring the rest in to focus.  Mind you, those same spiritual subtleties that I so love also leave room for multiple interpretations, and I think that's what makes it so beautiful.  You can relate it to the Bible, you can relate it to life on earth, as a believer or non-believer.

For me, this entire song is about the battle between living for the world or living for something GREATER.  It is about coming to the altar and making a choice.  It's about a beautiful awakening.  Do we choose the promise of eternal life, or to simply exist? Kneeling before the Lord, do we dare get up and move?  Can you stand up and refuse a life full of perfect, awesome promises; a life of surrender to Him?  I dare you to move...
 I choose Him.  I surrender.  And then, "what happens next?" 
"Welcome to the fallout" ...Oh the fallout.  We must give up our worldly desires and know that we will face persecution in the process.  "Welcome to resistance" ...my biggest struggle.  There is a spiritual battle between resisting the temptations of the world and living a life that is pleasing to God. Have you found your strength in Him to endure the fight?  Can you remove yourself from being accepted in the world for what your Heavenly Father tells you is right and good?  Do you feel the tension between the sinful nature you've known so long and the person Christ is calling you to be?  It is time to relay who you are to who you could be.  Do you feel the strain "between how it is and how it should be?"  I live here right now... and I don't want to get stuck, I want to move.
I dare you to move...
And suddenly the meaning of the chorus changes for me.  He dares me to move.  A challenge to get up off the floor and live this brilliant life he has laid out for the taking.  To have faith and become exactly who He always meant me to be.   He is challenging me to get up and move for Him, even when others aren't.  Even when they will judge me for it.

Once you come to the Lord, you are forever changed.  You can't go backwards, you can't un-know the truth.  You can't pretend it never happened.  He is the light, the only way.  So, it's time to move forward and accept these gifts.  There is so much beauty and hope, wonder and awe... meaning, purpose, and love with our Father... "where you gonna go?"  He is the only answer.  Forgiveness, redemption, salvation... with Him, they are yours.  

~and now that I'm on the verge of some big tears~

Be confident that He works only for your good, and that He will continue that work your whole life through.  Remember that your past is a part of your history, a part of your testimony.  You can't throw it away.  But it doesn't have to matter so much anymore.  In Him, you are made new.  You get to begin all over and be who He calls you to be.  If that's not powerful, I don't know what is.  

I have seen God's blessings rain on me exponentially recently.  I have felt the Spirit near to me more often than I could have ever imagined.  I hear His calls, I feel His love.  And yet, the resistance and tension were, quite possibly, more present than ever.  I called out to the Lord for understanding.  I knew He was working for me in great ways, I knew it.  But I couldn't see the bigger picture.  I was disbelieving of what He was showing me.  I was doubting His plan for me.  I asked Him to show me.  Please, just show me again.  
And then I heard his whisper.  And I doubted, still.  For, His bigger picture was bigger and more meaningful than I had originally thought.  But I heard it again... and then I saw it, clearly and concisely.  And while I still have questions, I am at peace knowing I am not meant to understand it all.  I am only meant to follow where He leads.  He has a given me a glimpse of what our walk together is purposed for.  That's all I need.  
So, yes, let it begin... 

Overcoming Pride (and the road to Humility)

Okay, so I feel like I've gotten a little off track with this blog.  It is supposed to be, at it's core, about my ongoing voyage in coming to know the Lord, and the self-growth that results from submitting myself to His will.  I don't want to forget that!  Though I'll admit, it is SO much easier in theory than in application. ;)  So, to get back to the heart of this thing, I've had to step back for a couple of weeks and decipher where He wants me to lay my focus next.  In true fashion, He delivered in BIG ways.  He is flooding my heart with His calls and placing all the right people in my life to guide me through.

SO, let's talk about PRIDE.  And how I have far too much of it... AND what that means for me spiritually, AND how to begin ridding it from my life! (Brace yourselves, this feels like a long one)

Growing up, even at a very young age, I can remember feeling chastised for my stubborn pride.  It's another one of those things I don't really understand about myself just yet, as far as where it's rooted and such.  Most of my life I've just chalked it up to one of those family traits I wish I hadn't been saddled with.  I mean, it runs deep ... I get it honest.  BUT, that doesn't make it okay.  I've "owned" it for a long time, but the closer I grow to my Heavenly Father, the more I don't want to own it at all.  It's unbecoming.

What does the Bible say about pride, you ask?  I'm glad you're curious, too! Turns out, the Bible has several things to say about it.  (Proverbs is apparently the place to go!) Here are a few pieces of scripture that speak to me: 
"To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech." Proverbs 8:13 (NIV)
"The Lord detests all the proud of heart.  Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished." Proverbs 16:5 (NIV) 
"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." Proverbs 11:2 (NIV)

Pride, for me, has been about pushing through life alone.  I am too prideful to admit when I need love, help, or attention.  I don't want to cost anyone anything.  I don't want to be a burden to those that I love.  This is one of those pesky lies I've come to believe about myself throughout my life. I accepted this particular lie as one of my truths over the last 10 years, as the result of being in a very unhealthy relationship.  I let him convince me that, not only was I a burden, but I was unworthy of anything my heart desired.  As if this wasn't bad enough, I let my pride trap me in that awful relationship.  I was too proud to admit I deserved better, too proud to walk away; to admit to my bad decisions, defeat, and failure.  I gave him far too much power over my heart and soul.  Somehow, pride distorted my perception of strength and I felt I could and should cope with the mental and emotional lashings.  I struggle greatly with vulnerability because of pride.  My pride doesn't allow me to be me very often.  Yes, even my shyness is pride.  I can't speak when I want to speak, I can't find the nerve to ask questions, for fear of rejection.  I experience my emotions behind closed doors and then shove it down deep in the recesses of my being.  I know better and yet, can't make myself do anything about it.  I am too prideful to forgive, and therefore, I'm cheated out of inner healing. Every major issue I battle is directly linked to my problems with pride.

Pride is a subtle sin that takes you over completely.  It manifests itself big and small, and unsuspecting... and then super glues itself to your insides.  It is incredibly difficult to resist or reverse, and is intensely destructive to one's spirit.  My pride is hindering me from fully obeying the Lord.  I want to be of service to Him, grow in grace, and help others in the ways He has called me to do.  Yet, my pride rears it's ugly head incessantly.  

So, how do we begin to overcome pride?  

Initially, I believe it begins in grounding yourself with an understanding of who we are in relation to God.  We are the created, not the creator.  In pridefulness, we tend to think we can do things on our own.  We forget that everything we have has been given to us by the Lord.  We disregard His perfect design for us in pursuit of our own selfish plans. We must remember that the opposite of pride is not shame or guilt, but humility.  We should humble ourselves before our Father, and learn to accept love and help from others.  Why?  Because these are God's blessings to us, and by accepting them, we are giving glory to God.  I don't know about you, but I don't ever want to be disrespectful of the gifts the Lord has given me.  Secondly, I think we have to learn to seek God's word for our struggles.  It should be the standard by which we live our lives.  By all means, absorb what you can from others, but always measure their words with God's word.  Lastly, turn to prayer. Prayer and pride tend to complicate one another.  People with a lot of pride don't always pray as fervently as they should, but there is no need to go this alone. Confess your sins and pray for forgiveness.  Pray for humility and discernment.  Pray for healing and restoration from the spiritual destruction pride has caused you.  Pray that Jesus will take your heart full of pride and replace it with a humble one.  For, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6  

I encourage you all to take inventory of the areas in your life that are controlled by pride.  You may be acquainted with of much of it offhand, but you'll be surprised to see how it seeps into every imaginable nook and cranny of your spirit and festers there.  The greatest power in taking stock of your pride is that once you are aware of its presence, you have no excuse to let it live there any longer! ;)  It is time to set foot on the road to humility so that we may receive God's grace and fulfill the lives he meant for each of us.  And don't forget to pray, pray, pray! :)

Lucky? Not so fast...

I am so tired of hearing how "lucky" I am to get "a break" when my boys are away, be it with my parents or when they are with their dad for visitation. What the hell is wrong with people?  Sure, we ALL need those breaks on occasion.  I firmly believe it makes you a better parent to step away and indulge in self-care.  But I'm so OVER hearing how incredible my life must be because I'm forced to share my kids.  I am lucky for sure, if by "lucky" they mean "blessed." I am blessed to have 2 incredible kids who make my whole world right. Blessed that I thoroughly enjoy their company. Blessed that I have an understanding of what being a good and effective parent means, and that I'm devoted enough to strive for that. Blessed that I do get "breaks" from time to time, and blessed that my children have a big extended family who love them and want to spend time with them. Sure, we're "lucky." (Rant ALMOST over... but let's dig a little deeper, shall we?)

I understand the every day stresses of being a parent.  I, myself, am guilty of being all too often short-tempered, impatient, and easily frustrated by my boys.  We all are.  Being a parent means you fail most of the time.  We are all getting it mostly "wrong" every single day.  And yet, by the grace of God, our children are incredibly quick to recover and forgive, and love us through it all.  On my best day, I'm not half the mom I want to be. This is the very essence of being a parent.  Loving them intensely, failing them constantly, and getting to wake up the next morning and try again.  I am in love with this brilliant notion.  Praise God for their innocence and resilience!  No matter how terrible or amazing my parenting is on any given day, God willing, I get to wake up the next day and try to be better!  In realizing this when my oldest was a baby, it made me strive harder and higher with every passing day.  I was a mom I was proud to be most of the time, and everybody around me noticed.

Life got tough, baby #2 came... life got tougher... and for a while, I wasn't proud of the Mom I was.  I didn't enjoy my kids, I "needed" those breaks far too frequently... I lost sight of God's gift to me. And everybody around me noticed that too.  It's only been since I made the decision to change my life and get away from an unhealthy situation that I could hear God's call again.  Try again, wake up tomorrow and try again.  Be who they need you to be, be who I made you to be.    When you feel a call like that, you work your hardest to meet it.   

I will never deny the fact that I struggle with being a parent as much as the next person.  I also give major props to the other women, like myself, who are doing it alone... It makes life's hardest job HARDER.  And the heavier my stress load, the less of a parent I am. However, in going it alone, there is no choice but to keep on pushing forward, for everyone's sake. (No tag team effect here). Also, in knowing people who can't or don't have children or in remembering my own struggle to carry a pregnancy to term, I have found a greater appreciation for my blessings.  Keeping these things in mind, keeps my parenting approach in check.  

Find something that keeps your parenting in check, and try to remember it daily.  Hold on to thoughts like that each time your children test your patience.  Be acutely aware of your interactions with them, and act or react accordingly. 

On a good day, my boys think I hung the moon.  They are such Momma's boys, and contrary to things I've said in the past, I wouldn't have it any other way.  They love me unconditionally, like no other.  They consume my whole heart and I would do anything for them.  On a bad day, I have singlehandedly wounded their hearts and spirits.  Nobody wants to carry that burden... we all want to get it right, more often than not.  

So am I "lucky" to have people in my life who swoop in to ease my load, love my children, and provide us with a support system?  Absolutely, I am.  I'm not only blessed, but I am grateful.  I am grateful for my God, who knows my imperfections and loves me anyway.  I am grateful for His forgiveness and the forgiveness of my children.  I am grateful to Him for each moment I get with those awesome boys... to hug them, play with them, for every second I get to be their mom.  I make every effort not to take that for granted.  So please, STOP telling me how "lucky" I am to be away from them.  Those days that we're apart?  Those days are a sacrifice.  It is for a bigger purpose that you may never understand.  Stop looking at my life through rose-colored glasses.  Turn around and look at your own and be thankful for those beautiful babies who are driving you crazy!  And if you need a break that badly, ASK.  I'd be happy to help, cuz I'm missing mine like crazy. 
Maybe I'm alone in this... but I don't want breaks anymore, I don't want time apart.  I want my kids.  We have to be grateful for our kids.  Always. 

Rant officially over.  No editing... just my crazy, jumbled thoughts. ;)

Blowing Sunshine

Today, a classmate stopped me on my way out and shared with me that she really enjoyed a presentation I gave in class.  She went on to say that I came across very collected, at ease, and that I really knew my stuff.  I was so touched that she would go out of her way to share that with me and it left quite an impression.

It got me to thinking (surprise, surprise!), that it is SO rare that we genuinely compliment one another.  Even in circumstances in which we are trying to be helpful, we are quick to call attention to each others flaws and shortcomings.  I have been in a whirlwind of personal growth lately, and yet, it is constantly pointed out to me what I need to change, with very little attention paid to what I'm getting right.  I'm not saying we should ignore the less than appealing parts of ourselves and those of our loved ones, but at the risk of sounding cliche, where is the love? (Did anybody else hear Justin Timberlake's voice in their head just now?  ...wish I hadn't)

Think of that feeling you get when somebody pays you a compliment.  That tiny seed of fulfillment, validation from a peer. (yeah, yeah.. I know, I like my validation.  Sue me.)  It brings a smile to your face, the sun seems to shine a little brighter. :P  Now consider how that feeling is greatly magnified when that compliment comes from someone you least expect or a total stranger.  That's a game changer. ;)  I know I'm not the only one who delights in that feeling.  By nature, we not only want to feel good but to make others feel good.  How often have you felt inspired to share a kind word with someone, and in second-guessing yourself, decided against it?   

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV) states, we should "...encourage one another and build each other up..."  And we most definitely should!  Doesn't get much clearer than that!  We are given a heart that yearns to love and comfort others, and yet, so often we dismiss these pulls and pushes in the name of social acceptability.  Ugh!  Thumbs down.  

I challenge you to be bold!  When you think of something flattering about somebody else, SPEAK UP!  Praise them!  Say whatever is in your heart, and give that person the feeling we all revel in.  I wholeheartedly believe it's not only what Jesus would DO, but what he would want. Once you conquer this challenge today, hit the repeat button.  :)  What harm could possibly come from being just a little bit nicer, a little bit sweeter, eh?? 

So, my loves, get out there and blow some sunshine up somebody's butt today! 

Love my nieces to pieces!

Every little girl dreams of growing up and getting married, right?  Not me.  Growing up, all I ever really wanted to be was a Mommy.  Somewhere along the way I missed the connection: marriage then Mommy.  I had visions of something akin to Old Mother Hubbard, minus the shoe.  I began compiling lists of baby names when I was 7 and my Mom was expecting my sister.  It was the year of Aladdin, and I remember being rather sure that my sister was destined for the name, Jasmine.  :)  I became particularly convinced after my sister was born that I would grow up and have 3 daughters.  Even throughout my teenage years, my desire for babies of my own never wavered.  Scary thought!  And still the idea remained, 3 beautiful daughters. 

It took 30 weeks to determine the gender of my modestly cross-legged baby BOY.  I was baffled.  "Boy?  What do I do with a boy?"  I wasn't ungrateful, per se, but it definitely took some getting used to! (and yes, I'm fairly ashamed to admit that)  Fast forward 4 years and the good Lord has blessed me with 2 amazing boys! They are awesome and bring me so much joy.  I could gush about them for days.  I love them so completely, and there isn't a girl in the world I would trade them for!  In fact, I've come to find that I feel meant to mother boys.  Not that I think I'll never have a daughter, for that is up to the Big Guy, but I feel like maybe I have something special to offer in molding these little men.

I fully believe that it is by this same divine intervention that I am blessed with 3 beautiful nieces!  (No nephews so far!)  Ohhh, and they melt my heart!!  I am supremely smitten by my splendid sweethearts.  Three incredible princesses that I get to love as my own, spoil rotten, and then send 'em on home!! Being an Aunt has been unmatched by anything, except motherhood.  And for me, they are really more adjacent anyway.  I feel the same call and responsibility to my gorgeous girls as I do my handsome boys.  Nothing beats the swell in my heart when I see my charming primadonna spinning in a purple dress, a well-earned smile from my little rag doll, or the smell of a perfectly pink newborn held close to my chest. There's just something special about little girls. You teach me how to love well, and what it means to be loved well. 😍


To my nieces: Stella, Skyler, and Emma, these are my words to you:

Never grow up! ;) I make it my personal duty to see to that!  I promise to read you books and feed you ice cream when Mommy isn't looking.  I guarantee many, many tickle fights and lots of laughter and kisses.  I cant wait to introduce you to some quality music, and I look forward to the dance parties that will ensue!  On the other hand, I promise to teach you manners, respect, and courtesy. Compassion for others and the importance of an education.

Life is confusing. It's full of glorious moments that will capture your heart and take your breath away, and in the next fell swoop, the ground beneath your feet will seem to crumble.  But know this: I will love you ALWAYS, through thick and thin, exactly as you are.  I will protect you... from those who try to hurt you, but also from yourself.  I will be your safe place and your rock. I will always have a hug to give and a shoulder to cry on.  I will listen to every story and praise your every accomplishment.  No matter how scary the world, know that the good always outshines the bad.  And believe in that with all your heart.  I promise to help you cultivate a relationship with your Heavenly Father, and to show you the infinite peace He provides.  Be strong, but tender.  You can do anything a man can do, but do it well.  Embrace your inner beauty and let it shine as a light for others to follow.  Take time for yourself.  Work hard.  Don't give up and never question that you are capable of great things. Whenever you're in doubt, please remember, you just being you is enough. It will always be enough. You are extraordinary.  And if you ever need reminding of how breathtaking your you-ness is, just give me call.  
From the moment I first held each of you, I knew I would do anything for you.  You are each an irreplaceable part of me, as I hope to be to you.  I am one very lucky Aunt.  I love you, girls.  Always and forever.  
Love,
Aunt Jessa


Father, I want to thank you for bringing me 3 wonderful nieces who capture my heart.  They are a true blessing and I am so grateful and happy that you have chosen to share them with me.  Each of them is so special in their own way.  I thank you for Stella's affectionate heart that loves hard and breaks harder.  I pray she never loses that wide-openness.  I thank you for Skyler's easygoing nature and her silly hair that never fails to make me giggle.  I am especially thankful for the safe and healthy arrival of Baby Emma.  She is a perfect reminder of what is really important in this life, and I thank you for using her to speak to me.  I ask, Lord, that you rain blessings upon each of them so that they may have everything they could ever dream of and more, for I know you have plans to prosper them.  Father, I ask that you use me as a vessel to teach them of Your love and mercy.  I pray that you will protect them and keep them near to you always.  Lastly, Father, I pray that your grace flows through me so that I may have the opportunity to impact their lives like they have impacted mine.  I can't thank you enough for these precious girls.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

Call Me Captivated...

I wish I could capture the feel of the wind on my face and keep it near to me forever. Somehow stick it in my pocket to pull out on days when I just need reprieve. It's gentle push against my skin reminds me that I am alive, that I can feel.

I've spent two days in a row sitting in this park. It's beautifully secluded from the roaring rumpus of city life. To the untrained eye it's little more than a small, well-kept park. To me, it's a place of peace. The only place I can think of that allows my thoughts and prayers to float free. The wind picks them up and carries them away to the Lord. My soul knows no confinement in this place. The walls of my heart come down and I am left completely unguarded and exposed to absorb everything around me.  The chirping of birds, the color in the trees, the flags waving boldly in the breeze. The beauty here allows me to connect with the Holy Spirit in a deeply rejuvenating way that I can't seem to find elsewhere. 

I find myself here when my heart is heavy, when I feel unsettled or uncertain. When the tightness and the emptiness in my chest become unbearable.  Nothing would make me happier than to take up residence on this bench and do nothing but lie here and stare up at the sky every day of my life. To simply be here with the Holy Spirit who moves me. 

Time gets away from me here. When I close my eyes and pray, He is with me and sends a tingle all over my skin, much like the wind. I never want to leave.

I am instantly reminded of a quote from the book Captivating. It reads, "...remember what it's like to come into a beautiful place, a garden or a meadow, or a quiet beach. There is room for your soul. It expands. You can breathe again. You can rest. It is good. All is well."  Yes, it is. No matter the hurt in my heart, when I set foot in this place, Jesus knows why I am here. And He always delivers. He never fails me or fails to understand me. He doesn't disappoint. He fills me up and quiets my aching heart. He is always good. 

God is Love.

We all have things we like and dislike about ourselves.  When presented earlier this week with the task of identifying 3 things I love about myself, I was surprised by how much I struggled.  We are so quick to believe in the lies we’ve been told about ourselves that it is infinitely easier to pull from that negative list instead.  I rattled off whatever I could muster in the moment, something undeniably nondescript and completely impersonal to who I truly am.  However, the question lingered with me, as they always do, until I decided to make myself a list.  I am supposed to be changing, right?  This is part of the journey.  Renouncing the lies (another post for another time) and retraining my thoughts, yes?  Yes.  Time to put thought into action.
So here is a (very) short list of some of the things I love about ME:
 
1.  I have always been told that I possess wisdom beyond my years.  I have always considered myself an “old soul” and I think these two go hand-in-hand.  It is one of my favorite things about myself.
2. My appreciation for music. (Thanks, Mom)
3. I am a good and resourceful mommy.  I am raising awesome kids and I am proud to be able to take a great portion of credit for that!
4.  I am a good friend, the best really. ;)
5.  I have a HUGE heart.

This last one is my very favorite thing about myself, and yet it causes me SO much grief!  All who know me well know that I LOVE BIG.  Person, place, or thing - It doesn't matter.  It could be my best friend, a pet fish (RIP Charlie!), a song, a pretty sight, a hobby.  I love everyone and everything I let in with a deep, unwavering love and...  Let’s just be real for a second, it’s weird.  I am fully aware of this. I can't help it! I like to build people up and help them see what I see in them.  Truth be told, that's all it really is.  I am blessed to see the very best in people.  The beauty in a song or picture.  I feel the meaning in words and books.  And any one of these things is capable of inspiring immense joy in me.  I think it almost comes off as borderline idolatry, but it isn't.  I am distinctly and equally alert to the "bad stuff" ... but I believe in the good with all of my heart!

People don't typically know what to do with all of this love I have to give.  But why should I be made to feel ashamed of my over sized, overeager heart? ;) I just don't know how to love in pieces! I am an all or nothing kind of girl.
 
As much as I am trying to embrace this part of me, I also believe it is an important part of the journey to understand why I am the way I am.  There is an emotional void, that I suspect comes from fragments of multiple traumas pieced together.  I can often visualize this void smack-dab in the middle of my chest.  A gaping wound, a black hole.  I feel a tightness and an emptiness.  There is literally something missing.  I spent a long time surviving off of nuggets of emotional fulfillment from the people and things in my life.  And even though I've known for quite some time that no one person or thing could fill the void, I was blocking the love of God from my life.  I needed, and still need, healing that only the Holy Spirit can provide.  And He does.

You see, God is love.  It's a difficult concept for our earthly minds to comprehend.  God IS love.  He is the very essence of love, and all love flows through Him.   There is a great divide between knowing He loves you and feeling that love.  However, once you bridge that gap, there is no greater fulfillment than experiencing His love.  That is because His love is unconditional.  It is satisfying and it is perfect.  God does not want you to live in emotional torment, so ask for His help. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3) I am learning to place my hurts in His hands, and He is giving me rest.  That gaping hole in my chest?  It's being filled each day with the Father's perfect love.  I know now that there is Somebody who loves me with the depth I've sought for in others, and then some! When I feel emotionally gratified in Him, it alters the intent of my love for others.  There may never be an abundance of people that understand why I love so BIG, but He does.  And I have to be true to the heart that He gave me, as you should be true to yours...

Me, a messenger?

“You are just the messenger.  HE does all the work.”  Simple, yet powerful words relayed to me by a dear friend.  

I encountered a young autistic child today who was exhibiting disturbingly mature behaviors for someone of his age.  Naturally, I was his chosen target for the day.  Though taken aback, I quickly wrote these behaviors off as "quirky," and tried to push through the remainder of what promised to be a long day.

After several hours of undesired attention from this boy, I noticed something in him I can only describe as... familiar.  I looked to my trusted friend for some sort of relief, and in true fashion, she managed to surprise me.  She did not see my story for it’s own "quirky" humor, nor it’s sullen complaints.  She saw it for what it truly was and opened my eyes wide! It was not only an opportunity to intercede and pray for this hurting child, but a lesson in how and why we should.  To pray against the situations he has been subjected to, to pray away the negative effects to his young soul, and to pray protection over him.  And to do so in a way I had never done before.

“Why didn’t I think of that?” I pondered. The thought was smothered by the sudden heaviness I felt.  My emotions engulfed me.  I instantly recognized his pain.  

"You can do this." she said.  My chest began to tighten.  I could feel the anxiety rising in my body.  I could have let it take over, as is so often the case.  But what good would that have done?  So instead, right then and there, I gathered my thoughts, checked my feelings, and prayed.  With my whole heart, I prayed every prayer I could conjure for that child.  Every prayer I thought he needed, and every prayer I wish somebody had prayed for me. I took his message to the Lord and asked for healing.  

I spent much of the afternoon dwelling on her words.  "You are just the messenger.  HE does all the work."  A few uncomplicated words so perfectly strung together, that in those moments, I was able to completely transcend the limits of my being to do and be all that He had asked of me.  Fully trusting in the fulfillment of His promises.  Even now, her words just move me.  Messages to God, messages from God... this is uncharted territory for me.  Seriously, me, a messenger?  What does that mean?  And why are we really supposed to pray for others?  What is the purpose of intercession, if we believe that our God is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient?  Is there one "right" answer?  How much of this am I meant to understand and how much should I accept in blind faith?  (It's easy to see how my thoughts get away from me)

So, why didn't I think to stop and pray on my own?  Why did I need my own personal messenger to guide my thoughts today?  Turns out, it's because I'm a selfish, terrible person.  Ha!  Just kidding!  I don't think I entertained the idea offhand because prayer is not yet my first line of thought.  It is easy to FEEL moved to pray.  Let's be honest, I didn't feel like praying for this kid... I felt like running away screaming in the opposite direction.  I am so new to the true power of prayer that I haven't yet wrangled what it means to THINK with a constant prayerful attitude.  This is, no doubt, an ongoing growth process.  It is my duty to train my thoughts, so to speak, to match my heart.  We are reminded in James 5:16 to "pray for each other so that [we] may be healed."  Praying for others forces us to put aside our selfishness and spiritually focus on them.  Our Father knows the power of prayer, and while it is vastly important to bathe our brothers and sisters in prayer, it also strengthens and deepens our relationship with Him.  And what, I ask you, is more important than that?