The Lonely Hearts Club

Most days, I fancy myself superwoman. I do it all. I do it well. And I do it (mostly) alone. I am intensely devoted to my kids, my career, and just about anything else that strikes a fire in my heart.  Most days, I fancy myself superwoman... but not today.

Today, my heart echoes in it's emptiness. I yearn for something more. In true fashion,  instead of discovering what "more" means in this chapter of life, my ever-familiar flight response is revving within. I want nothing more than to jump in the car, turn the music up, hit the open road and drive until my soul finds Peace.  And I would... If I didn't know, with absolute certainty, that this same dull ache in my chest would be waiting right here for me when I return. 

Loneliness is new territory for me. I am usually quite content to be alone. I keep less than a few close friends. I enjoy being single. My anti-social awkwardness has frequently stopped me, but never bothered me. I enjoy my own company and have rarely desired much more.

But lately... lately, between the busyness of life and the exhaustion that follows, each and every one of my relationships have suffered. Some of them are okay but lacking, some sorely damaged, while others have plummeted into a dark abyss of my own creation. I spend a lot of time being too tired to worry about it, and the rest of my time regretting that I let it go this far.

I've also been letting a life-sucking fear drive me around for months now. I am suffocating somewhere between a fear of failure and a fear of happiness.  I dont want to fail my kids again, lose the life I've built, feel the things I used to feel, or ever let my life look like it once did.  But I feel like I'm a hamster on a wheel, running fast and hard just to... maintain. Never moving forward, just waiting in anxious anticipation for the other shoe to drop.

The "more" that I am yearning for is decidedly this: more friends, more time, more deeply fulfilling relationships. For the first time, I think I am desiring new friendships in addition to repairing and enhancing the old ones. I miss my family and want to restore those bonds. I want more enjoyment in my life. More love. More God. I want things to be both the way they used to be and yet better than ever.

So, as much as I desire fulfilling relationships, I think it's important to spend some time regaining my identity outside of "mommy" and "nurse."  Taking a little less care of others and a lot better care of myself. I have to get me all straightened out, but most importantly, I've got to get right with God. And after that? After that, I'm going to start repairing the rut in my relationships.  I will start seeking new friendships with people who share my interests and who are as giving as I am. I will stop investing in those relationships where there is an imbalance of give and take.  I will build my new life to be exactly as I always imagined it to be, and I will conquer these draining fears. I will step back into the call for freedom and dance in it. I have come too far and worked too hard to be this dissatisfied with myself and my life. Something has to give.

All I can say is... somewhere along the way I lost my tenacity, my zest, my me-ness. And let me tell you, there is nothing more disappointing than realizing you've lost your you-ness. I just want to catch my breath. I want to feel like me again. I want to re-become the person who relinquishes control and trusts the Lord. The person who seeks the Lord first and most,  rather than forcing herself to be in relationship Him.

Most days I fancy myself superwoman... but not anymore. I only want to be exactly who He created me to be.  I'm done spinning my wheels.  Today is the day I stop running and start living...

An Attitude of Gratitude

Lately, I'm finding that my heart has been emptied of it's love and joy. Instead, it has been full to the brim with anger, resentment, and an aloofness that goes against my very nature. Yes, every ounce of peace has been drained dry; every smidgeon of hope squeezed out to a slow, thick drip. I'm an analytical person, logical to the core. I like to understand things, for everything to make sense somehow.  So, I continue to look inward, searching for the event, conversation, or precise moment where this shift occurred; but no matter the effort or desire, I just can't seem to find it. It just is. This change in demeanor doesn't make sense to me. More than that, I continue trying to bottle it up and shove it away in hopes that it will just... disappear.

I was taught, time and time again, what to do in times like this. You know - Surrender it to God. Pray. Repent. Pray again. Make sure I've really surrendered it. Pray some more.
...You get the picture.
The problem is, I feel so guarded. So shut off and disconnected, disinterested.. that I have no idea how to get to that praying place. The enemy begins to whisper lies in my ear and it just overtakes me.  I'm consumed by complaints, negativity, and frustration. Final Destination: ingratitude.

Ingratitude is not a place we, as followers of Christ, should live in. In fact, the less we remain in the grateful place, the easier it is to backslide into this negative, worldly consumption.  Life is messy. WE are messy.  Every day we are faced with situations and circumstances that create stress, which distract us from the many things we have to be thankful for. We get so caught up in our responsibilities and anxieties that thanking God falls off our radar completely.  We often overlook how important it is to make a conscious connection, moment to moment, with the Holy Spirit. We forget to give thanks for what He is doing in & through us each day, be it trial or triumph.

So how do I begin wading through the muck to get back to the grateful place? Sheer force! Force yourself to say that prayer, read that verse, go to church.  Whether you feel it or not, whether you have the words or not... There is power in the attempt. Make a list if you have to, of all the blessings and grace He has gifted to you. Whatever it takes to start chipping away at the Great Wall of Ingratitude, so that eventually, you may be reminded just how green the grass is on His side. (Then, jump that wall and don't look back! :D )

Gratitude is so crucial to our faith walks. When you give God the glory for all He has done in your life, blessings will continue to pour out for you. Additionally, giving thanks to the Lord is like hitting the refresh button for your faith. You are immediately reminded of where you've been, what He's given you, and the possibility of what's to come. This further cements and reinforces your relationship with Christ and strengthens your trust in His presence, His faithfulness, and His unfailing mercy.

Even in the hardest times of our lives, we have SO much to be thankful for. Consider what a life with Christ means. Consider what was sacrificed for each and every one of us, and the gift of salvation. Is it enough for you? Are you thankful?  Let that put things in perspective when you find yourself feeling ungrateful. Consciously shifting your focus is the quickest way to adjust to an attitude of gratitude.  Lastly, remember that there is relief, unmatched, in the love of the Lord ...and no matter how long you shy away, He will always be waiting with open arms. Always.