For nearly two years, the Lord has been asking me to write my testimony. To share with the world my deepest, darkest places. Though, I think I'd wind up with a book if I went there! The more important aspect, of course, is to tell the story of what God has done in and through my life. So, in faith and obedience, here is my story.
I didn't really grow up in church. Not so many moons ago, I remember thinking I could count the number of times I had stepped foot in a church on one hand... definitely two. I grew up in a household where the belief was that organized religion wasn't necessary for worshipping God. So, there really wasn't a great amount of exposure to this Life, and as a kid, I never really knew I was missing anything. As a teenager, I even remember boldly stating that there was no God. I doubt anybody could have changed my mind at that time. I didn't know Him, nor did I fear Him. I didn't love Him, or know His love.
Fast forward ten years, two kids, and one miserably unhappy relationship later. I found myself praying empty, desperate prayers to a God I still didn't know, but had somehow come to acknowledge. I was muddling through an in-between place, some sort of vague Christian agnosticism. I saw this supposed "God of the universe" as a punishing deity, looking down on my existence with disdain and contempt. The state of my life was my fault, through a series of bad decisions, and He must enjoy watching me squirm because He never heard my prayers. He never rescued me. He just let me suffer. He let bad things happen to me over and over. Or at least that's how it felt. Where was this God of love and forgiveness, this redeemer of my sins?
It's really easy and convenient to blame God for the bad things in your life when you have no concept of His character.
My turning point came when I realized I had been praying, day in and day out, that the man I shared a
The heart attack never came.
Through my best friend's incessant nagging and a heaping spoonful of desperation, I began going to church. Very quickly, my eyes were opened to the true character of God, the love of Jesus, and the hope of new life. About six weeks later, an opportunity arose to leave all the toxicity behind and start my life over. It was a less than ideal option and the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but it had quickly become the only option. Two days after my 26th birthday, I moved myself and my children into a homeless shelter.
As far as shelters go, it was a good one. We had a small, private room and bathroom. We shared a community kitchen with 40 other families. The program allowed me to finish school, save money, pay off debts. In the year we spent there, I was equal parts grateful and endlessly frustrated. For the first time in my life, I had a ridiculously early curfew. I was required to be in certain places, maintain certain grades, my money was monitored via a budget they made for me. Not a single day or decision felt like my own.
Exactly one year later, two days after my 27th birthday, I rebelled against this perceived control and got myself unceremoniously dismissed from the program. We all know how much I struggle with control. But even then, He rescued me. He gave me a home and surrounded me with a village of people who loved me through my worsts.
It's only now that I can look back and see all the good it did for me, that chapter in the shelter. I grew so much in that short year. I finished nursing school, landed an amazing job, and learned invaluable life lessons. I learned about follow-through, perseverance and success. Most importantly, I discovered Truth & faith and jumped in to my journey with Jesus wholeheartedly. In that year, I went from dwelling in rock bottom to thriving in total dependence on my Heavenly Father. I begged Him to work a miracle in my life and He gave me more than I ever could have dreamed of!
Maybe you've known God all your life. Maybe you don't know Him at all. Perhaps you believe in a higher power, but you aren't sure what kind. Maybe, just maybe, your story is like mine. Maybe you found him at rock bottom. Maybe He was exactly what you needed, exactly when you needed Him. It was only when I had nothing left to lose, except my life as I knew it, that I relinquished control and invited God in to my heart. From day one, He began healing my brokenness. He wooed me in Grace and goodness, and love like I've never known. He gave me truth where lies were embedded deep. He made my whole world new, gave me hope and purpose. He showed me that I am not, was not, will never be worthless or a burden. He, the God of the universe, values me... and He values you, too.
Heavenly Father,
Thank you... for Your endless mercies. For Your goodness. For unfailing love. Father, I lift them up to you tonight. Those who know you, those who don't, and all those who struggle in-between. I pray that you will plant the seed of Love deep in their hearts and reveal Yourself to them in such a way that You cannot be denied. For those who already walk with You, I pray you will draw them near into boundless, beautiful, child-like faith. Your word says that we are not only Your children, but Your friends. Thank you SO MUCH for this gift of closeness, for relationship with You. Lord, I ask that You would just wrap Your arms around this hurting world tonight. We need help that only You can give. Our load is heavy and we are weary, Lord... but Your yoke is easy, Your burden light. I believe that, Father, and I ask that You would shine Your Light in to every heavy heart and every aching soul. Meet them in the broken places and give them new life!
In Jesus' Name,
Amen.
