It feels odd to be writing again; to feel inspired enough to write. This is my first genuine effort in over 9 months. The Lord's inspiration once flowed through me like streams of living water. I could put pen to paper and create something beautiful for His glory. About a year ago, that all stopped. Somewhere along the way, through a series of disappointments, I put up barriers between myself and God; a dam to stop the water's flow. I'm still sorting through the details of how I got there, but there I was. And here I remain... standing firm in all my stagnation.
Recently, however, I've been feeling Jesus' presence around me again. I see reminders of His love and mercy all about. He is creating a longing in me, and beckoning me back to Him. For whatever reason, I've continued to drag my heels... but slowly, my heart is reopening. I am readying myself (or more likely, He is readying me) to step back into Love, freedom, and church.
This weekend was a prime example. I was riding around in my best friend's truck when the song Hosanna by Hillsong shuffled it's way onto the radio. "Ohh, I love this song. I haven't heard it in forever!" I said, closing my eyes just briefly and soaking in the melody like a sponge to water. Instantly, I was covered in chills. As the song played on, I was taken aback by the depth of my emotions in those moments. It didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't simply feeling overemotional, but that somewhere deep down, there was a memory attached to this song. I could feel the feelings, but like a word on the tip of your tongue, I couldn't quite pull the memory forward. A few minutes later, the song ended and I was left wondering why I couldn't recall where in my soul it was tied to.
As I mindlessly flitted about spring cleaning my house the following day, the mild "Hosanna" frustration remained at the forefront of my heart. In a random moment of desperate brilliance, I decided the only solution was to download the song and play it on repeat until that dang memory remembered itself!
...yeah, don't think for a second that it actually worked. All things in His time, right? :)
Flash forward to that evening. I got the kids to bed and curled up on the couch for a few minutes of "me time," when I suddenly felt the urge to listen to the song AGAIN. I pressed play, laid the phone near my ear, and listened intently. I would have given anything to recreate those feelings from the day before, to hear or see clearly. Before long, I found myself praying... not for remembrance, but for forgiveness. I repented for my resentment, my hesitation, and the walls around my heart. For even in that moment of repentance, my guard was high, which left me feeling guilty and inauthentic. With an "Amen" and a sigh, I was drawn back to the music playing in my ear.
" Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen..."
And I prayed that line with all my heart.
Soon enough, the flashbacks were in full effect. I remembered spending hours crouched in the corner clutching my child near to me, begging to be set free. I recalled the incredible people who were so influential in my journey to the Truth. I saw myself sitting under the tree, soaking in the presence of my Savior. I remembered feeling safe. Protected. Favored. I could feel the Lord lay His hand on me that night. I relived my greatest joy and my first disappointment; richly warm and bitter cold. Like flashes of lightning in a rain storm, He reminded me of every milestone in our walk together, good and bad.
With every reflection, God insisted I've come too far to walk away... because before I knew the Lord, He knew me. He knew the exact moment I would find my faith. He knew I would run fervently in to a life that promised purpose, roots, and love that knows no bounds. He even knew that I would one day build a dam between us... and still, the God of the universe chose to love me.
As the memories slowed, the song faded out and I opened my eyes. I hadn't even noticed, but tears were rolling down my cheeks.
Stepping away from this voyage over the last year felt like rebellion, and maybe it was... but I'm beginning to realize it served a greater purpose than I could have seen. I've learned that my faith exists with unwavering force in the depths of my heart. It is not maintained by my mentors or my church . It is not something I do, it's who I am. I am confident that I am loved and that He will always meet me right where I'm at. Jesus took what I could give Him in that moment and turned it into a beautiful reminder of our journey together. He let me stand still, He let me question everything... and then He pulled me forward again.
