Good morning, God...

There is little I love more than having days off during the week.  There is a quiet thrill in waking up on Monday morning to moments of anticipation and freedom, versus the usual hustle and bustle.  Mornings are hard around here; busy, to say the least.  My six year old wakes up ready to go!  He is chipper, chatty, and pops out of bed like toast from a toaster.  My 3 year old, God bless him, is so much more like his Momma.  Of course, his Momma is not anyone's idea of a morning person.  I am not peppy.  I am not perky.  I WANT TO SLEEP.  Please don't speak to me. It takes me a solid two hours to wake up and be functional.  I am not alert and oriented for at least three hours and two cups of coffee. 

So, mornings like this one are absolutely blissful.  Sure, there is the initial scramble to get the boys up, dressed, and out the door on time.  However, once I give my last X's and O's and send them in to daycare with a wave, I am a free woman.  I make the 0.8 mile drive back home, slip back into my pajamas and brew my first cup of coffee.  I squeeze out every acceptable second of time lounging in my bed, so while the coffee is brewing, that's where you'll find me.  I roll back out of bed, grab my coffee and my Bible, and roll back in to bed.  Occasionally, I will pre-determine that I spend too much time in bed and begrudgingly take up residence on the couch.  Today, however, the bed won out. 

I sit in my bed, sipping on liquid grace from my brilliantly bizarre fox cup, and open my laptop.  I delight in the sunshine trickling through the curtains, illuminating the bold-patterned quilt draped across my resting place.  I pull up my email and dive in to my daily helping of devotionals. My thoughts wander around the room, dancing with one another... some more gracefully than others.  I brew my second cup of coffee.

As my heart begins to pitter-patter under the caffeine craze and my thoughts tire of their pranceful pirouetting, I open my Bible to indulge in the Truth.  Psalms 118:24 (NKJV) says this: "This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it."  There is a higher significance to this verse than meets the eye.  However, it appeals to me on a most basic level this morning.  "This is the day the Lord has made..."  Aren't you grateful for today?  Aren't you just so grateful? Coffee, sunshine, and His word ... that's about all I need in life.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.   

There is a reason I love days off during the week.  It is because I start my day off well.  I don't end my day with Jesus, I start my day with Him.  I welcome Perfect Peace in to my heart, bright and early, and my whole attitude is different.  On work days, mornings are hectic. I don't make time to invite Him in and my demeanor reflects it.  I let the chaos take reign and we begin our day frazzled and frustrated.

Over the last week, I chose to change my morning attitude for my kids.  I realized that just as my days are affected when I don't make time for Jesus, their days are affected by my early-morning dysfunctionality.  "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6 (NKJV)  We must train ourselves AND our children to invite the Lord in to our hearts every morning.  Like all other things, we have to teach them what this means, what it looks like, and how it feels.  So, when I sneak in to wake them up each morning, I do so with a song.  I sit down gently, I rub their heads, I admire my sleeping babies.  My heart skips a beat as they wipe away the sleep from their eyes...

THEN, I start to sing (rather loudly and off-key), "Rise and shine and give God the glory glory!!" My six yr old, true to his nature, jumps up and starts wiggly dancing. We laugh and hug and I go to wake up his brother.  Mason, who you'll remember is much like me, offers little more than a half-grin at my silliness before reaching his arms up to me.  I snuggle him and offer him the love of the Lord and we start our morning.  After just two days of this, I noticed how much more smoothly our mornings were running.  It is practically palpable. 

My next goal is to make Him a part of my morning, every morning.  ...Even if that means waking up earlier than the "hustle and bustle" for the sole purpose of coffee, sunshine, and His word.  Some of you are like me and your time with Jesus is simply irregular, while some of you don't spend much time with Him at all.  So this week, I challenge you to make a change.  Before life gets loud, before you check your Facebook, or make your to-do lists... fill your heart with Jesus.  Start with today and push on again tomorrow.  My hope is that before we know it, those minutes of sleep we sacrificed will pale in comparison to the benefits of beginning our days with God.  I believe that welcoming His presence in to our first moments each day will fuel a difference for us all.  He longs to be part of everything we do, it's as simple as opening the door and inviting Him in for coffee...

 

My Testimony

For nearly two years, the Lord has been asking me to write my testimony.  To share with the world my deepest, darkest places.  Though, I think I'd wind up with a book if I went there!  The more important aspect, of course, is to tell the story of what God has done in and through my life.  So, in faith and obedience, here is my story. 

 

 

I didn't really grow up in church. Not so many moons ago, I remember thinking I could count the number of times I had stepped foot in a church on one hand... definitely two. I grew up in a household where the belief was that organized religion wasn't necessary for worshipping God. So, there really wasn't a great amount of exposure to this Life, and as a kid, I never really knew I was missing anything. As a teenager, I even remember boldly stating that there was no God. I doubt anybody could have changed my mind at that time. I didn't know Him, nor did I fear Him. I didn't love Him, or know His love.

 

Fast forward ten years, two kids, and one miserably unhappy relationship later.  I found myself praying empty, desperate prayers to a God I still didn't know, but had somehow come to acknowledge.  I was muddling through an in-between place, some sort of vague Christian agnosticism. I saw this supposed "God of the universe" as a punishing deity, looking down on my existence with disdain and contempt. The state of my life was my fault, through a series of bad decisions, and He must enjoy watching me squirm because He never heard my prayers. He never rescued me. He just let me suffer. He let bad things happen to me over and over. Or at least that's how it felt. Where was this God of love and forgiveness, this redeemer of my sins?

It's really easy and convenient to blame God for the bad things in your life when you have no concept of His character.

 

My turning point came when I realized I had been praying, day in and day out, that the man I shared a

bed with would die. He was manipulative, destructive, and increasingly violent. He abused me in every capacity - verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually.  This person, the father of my children,  considered me worthless and a burden... and never thought twice about telling me so.  Eventually, his rage became unpredictable and I knew my boys and I were no longer safe or loved, so I would plead with the Lord to free me from my cage. I would stare up at an empty sky and pray "Please, just let me out of this trap. Just one good heart attack..."  I was broken and blinded by the depths of my pain. I was half-way through nursing school, unemployed, with two babies to think about. I couldn't see any other way out. 

 

The heart attack never came.

 

Through my best friend's incessant nagging and a heaping spoonful of desperation, I began going to church. Very quickly, my eyes were opened to the true character of God, the love of Jesus, and the hope of new life.  About six weeks later, an opportunity arose to leave all the toxicity behind and start my life over. It was a less than ideal option and the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but it had quickly become the only option. Two days after my 26th birthday, I moved myself and my children into a homeless shelter. 

 

As far as shelters go, it was a good one.  We had a small, private room and bathroom. We shared a community kitchen with 40 other families. The program allowed me to finish school, save money, pay off debts.  In the year we spent there, I was equal parts grateful and endlessly frustrated.  For the first time in my life, I had a ridiculously early curfew. I was required to be in certain places, maintain certain grades, my money was monitored via a budget they made for me. Not a single day or decision felt like my own.

 

Exactly one year later, two days after my 27th birthday,  I rebelled against this perceived control and got myself unceremoniously dismissed from the program.  We all know how much I struggle with control. But even then, He rescued me.  He gave me a home and surrounded me with a village of people who loved me through my worsts.

 

It's only now that I can look back and see all the good it did for me, that chapter in the shelter. I grew so much in that short year.  I finished nursing school, landed an amazing job, and learned invaluable life lessons. I learned about follow-through, perseverance and success. Most importantly, I discovered Truth & faith and jumped in to my journey with Jesus wholeheartedly.  In that year, I went from dwelling in rock bottom to thriving in total dependence on my Heavenly Father. I begged Him to work a miracle in my life and He gave me more than I ever could have dreamed of!

 

Maybe you've known God all your life.  Maybe you don't know Him at all.  Perhaps you believe in a higher power, but you aren't sure what kind.  Maybe, just maybe, your story is like mine.  Maybe you found him at rock bottom.  Maybe He was exactly what you needed, exactly when you needed Him.  It was only when I had nothing left to lose, except my life as I knew it, that I relinquished control and invited God in to my heart.  From day one, He began healing my brokenness. He wooed me in Grace and goodness, and love like I've never known.  He gave me truth where lies were embedded deep. He made my whole world new, gave me hope and purpose.  He showed me that I am not, was not, will never be worthless or a burden. He, the God of the universe, values me... and He values you, too.  

Heavenly Father,
Thank you... for Your endless mercies.  For Your goodness.  For unfailing love.  Father,  I lift them up to you tonight.  Those who know you, those who don't, and all those who struggle in-between.  I pray that you will plant the seed of Love deep in their hearts and reveal Yourself to them in such a way that You cannot be denied.  For those who already walk with You, I pray you will draw them near into boundless, beautiful, child-like faith.  Your word says that we are not only Your children, but Your friends.  Thank you SO MUCH for this gift of closeness, for relationship with You.  Lord, I ask that You would just wrap Your arms around this hurting world tonight.  We need help that only You can give.  Our load is heavy and we are weary, Lord... but Your yoke is easy, Your burden light.  I believe that, Father, and I ask that You would shine Your Light in to every heavy heart and every aching soul.  Meet them in the broken places and give them new life!
In Jesus' Name, 
Amen.        

Pulling Forward

It feels odd to be writing again; to feel inspired enough to write.  This is my first genuine effort in over 9 months. The Lord's inspiration once flowed through me like streams of living water. I could put pen to paper and create something beautiful for His glory. About a year ago, that all stopped. Somewhere along the way, through a series of disappointments, I put up barriers between myself and God; a dam to stop the water's flow.  I'm still sorting through the details of how I got there, but there I was. And here I remain... standing firm in all my stagnation. 

 

Recently, however, I've been feeling Jesus' presence around me again.  I see reminders of His love and mercy all about. He is creating a longing in me, and beckoning me back to Him. For whatever reason, I've continued to drag my heels... but slowly, my heart is reopening. I am readying myself (or more likely, He is readying me) to step back into Love, freedom, and church. 

This weekend was a prime example.  I was riding around in my best friend's truck when the song Hosanna by Hillsong shuffled it's way onto the radio. "Ohh, I love this song. I haven't heard it in forever!" I said, closing my eyes just briefly and soaking in the melody like a sponge to water.  Instantly, I was covered in chills. As the song played on, I was taken aback by the depth of my emotions in those moments.  It didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't simply feeling overemotional, but that somewhere deep down, there was a memory attached to this song.  I could feel the feelings, but like a word on the tip of your tongue, I couldn't quite pull the memory forward. A few minutes later, the song ended and I was left wondering why I couldn't recall where in my soul it was tied to.

 

As I mindlessly flitted about spring cleaning my house the following day, the mild "Hosanna" frustration remained at the forefront of my heart. In a random moment of desperate brilliance, I decided the only solution was to download the song and play it on repeat until that dang memory remembered itself!   

...yeah, don't think for a second that it actually worked.  All things in His time, right? :)

 

Flash forward to that evening. I got the kids to bed and curled up on the couch for a few minutes of "me time," when I suddenly felt the urge to listen to the song AGAIN. I pressed play, laid the phone near my ear, and listened intently. I would have given anything to recreate those feelings from the day before, to hear or see clearly. Before long, I found myself praying... not for remembrance, but for forgiveness. I repented for my resentment, my hesitation, and the walls around my heart. For even in that moment of repentance, my guard was high, which left me feeling guilty and inauthentic.   With an "Amen" and a sigh, I was drawn back to the music playing in my ear.

 

" Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen..."

 

And I prayed that line with all my heart.

 

Soon enough, the flashbacks were in full effect.  I remembered spending hours crouched in the corner clutching my child near to me, begging to be set free.  I recalled the incredible people who were so influential in my journey to the Truth. I saw myself sitting under the tree, soaking in the presence of my Savior. I remembered feeling safe. Protected. Favored. I could feel the Lord lay His hand on me that night. I relived my greatest joy and my first disappointment; richly warm and bitter cold.  Like flashes of lightning in a rain storm, He reminded me of every milestone in our walk together, good and bad. 

With every reflection, God insisted I've come too far to walk away... because before I knew the Lord, He knew me. He knew the exact moment I would find my faith. He knew I would run fervently in to a life that promised purpose, roots, and love that knows no bounds.  He even knew that I would one day build a dam between us... and still, the God of the universe chose to love me.

 

As the memories slowed, the song faded out and I opened my eyes.  I hadn't even noticed, but tears were rolling down my cheeks.  

Stepping away from this voyage over the last year felt like rebellion, and maybe it was... but I'm beginning to realize it served a greater purpose than I could have seen.  I've learned that my faith exists with unwavering force in the depths of my heart. It is not maintained by my mentors or my church . It is not something I do, it's who I am. I am confident that I am loved and that He will always meet me right where I'm at.  Jesus took what I could give Him in that moment and turned it into a beautiful reminder of our journey together.  He let me stand still, He let me question everything... and then He pulled me forward again.