Most days, I fancy myself superwoman. I do it all. I do it well. And I do it (mostly) alone. I am intensely devoted to my kids, my career, and just about anything else that strikes a fire in my heart. Most days, I fancy myself superwoman... but not today.
Today, my heart echoes in it's emptiness. I yearn for something more. In true fashion, instead of discovering what "more" means in this chapter of life, my ever-familiar flight response is revving within. I want nothing more than to jump in the car, turn the music up, hit the open road and drive until my soul finds Peace. And I would... If I didn't know, with absolute certainty, that this same dull ache in my chest would be waiting right here for me when I return.
Loneliness is new territory for me. I am usually quite content to be alone. I keep less than a few close friends. I enjoy being single. My anti-social awkwardness has frequently stopped me, but never bothered me. I enjoy my own company and have rarely desired much more.
But lately... lately, between the busyness of life and the exhaustion that follows, each and every one of my relationships have suffered. Some of them are okay but lacking, some sorely damaged, while others have plummeted into a dark abyss of my own creation. I spend a lot of time being too tired to worry about it, and the rest of my time regretting that I let it go this far.
I've also been letting a life-sucking fear drive me around for months now. I am suffocating somewhere between a fear of failure and a fear of happiness. I dont want to fail my kids again, lose the life I've built, feel the things I used to feel, or ever let my life look like it once did. But I feel like I'm a hamster on a wheel, running fast and hard just to... maintain. Never moving forward, just waiting in anxious anticipation for the other shoe to drop.
The "more" that I am yearning for is decidedly this: more friends, more time, more deeply fulfilling relationships. For the first time, I think I am desiring new friendships in addition to repairing and enhancing the old ones. I miss my family and want to restore those bonds. I want more enjoyment in my life. More love. More God. I want things to be both the way they used to be and yet better than ever.
So, as much as I desire fulfilling relationships, I think it's important to spend some time regaining my identity outside of "mommy" and "nurse." Taking a little less care of others and a lot better care of myself. I have to get me all straightened out, but most importantly, I've got to get right with God. And after that? After that, I'm going to start repairing the rut in my relationships. I will start seeking new friendships with people who share my interests and who are as giving as I am. I will stop investing in those relationships where there is an imbalance of give and take. I will build my new life to be exactly as I always imagined it to be, and I will conquer these draining fears. I will step back into the call for freedom and dance in it. I have come too far and worked too hard to be this dissatisfied with myself and my life. Something has to give.
All I can say is... somewhere along the way I lost my tenacity, my zest, my me-ness. And let me tell you, there is nothing more disappointing than realizing you've lost your you-ness. I just want to catch my breath. I want to feel like me again. I want to re-become the person who relinquishes control and trusts the Lord. The person who seeks the Lord first and most, rather than forcing herself to be in relationship Him.
Most days I fancy myself superwoman... but not anymore. I only want to be exactly who He created me to be. I'm done spinning my wheels. Today is the day I stop running and start living...
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