Good morning, God...

There is little I love more than having days off during the week.  There is a quiet thrill in waking up on Monday morning to moments of anticipation and freedom, versus the usual hustle and bustle.  Mornings are hard around here; busy, to say the least.  My six year old wakes up ready to go!  He is chipper, chatty, and pops out of bed like toast from a toaster.  My 3 year old, God bless him, is so much more like his Momma.  Of course, his Momma is not anyone's idea of a morning person.  I am not peppy.  I am not perky.  I WANT TO SLEEP.  Please don't speak to me. It takes me a solid two hours to wake up and be functional.  I am not alert and oriented for at least three hours and two cups of coffee. 

So, mornings like this one are absolutely blissful.  Sure, there is the initial scramble to get the boys up, dressed, and out the door on time.  However, once I give my last X's and O's and send them in to daycare with a wave, I am a free woman.  I make the 0.8 mile drive back home, slip back into my pajamas and brew my first cup of coffee.  I squeeze out every acceptable second of time lounging in my bed, so while the coffee is brewing, that's where you'll find me.  I roll back out of bed, grab my coffee and my Bible, and roll back in to bed.  Occasionally, I will pre-determine that I spend too much time in bed and begrudgingly take up residence on the couch.  Today, however, the bed won out. 

I sit in my bed, sipping on liquid grace from my brilliantly bizarre fox cup, and open my laptop.  I delight in the sunshine trickling through the curtains, illuminating the bold-patterned quilt draped across my resting place.  I pull up my email and dive in to my daily helping of devotionals. My thoughts wander around the room, dancing with one another... some more gracefully than others.  I brew my second cup of coffee.

As my heart begins to pitter-patter under the caffeine craze and my thoughts tire of their pranceful pirouetting, I open my Bible to indulge in the Truth.  Psalms 118:24 (NKJV) says this: "This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it."  There is a higher significance to this verse than meets the eye.  However, it appeals to me on a most basic level this morning.  "This is the day the Lord has made..."  Aren't you grateful for today?  Aren't you just so grateful? Coffee, sunshine, and His word ... that's about all I need in life.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.   

There is a reason I love days off during the week.  It is because I start my day off well.  I don't end my day with Jesus, I start my day with Him.  I welcome Perfect Peace in to my heart, bright and early, and my whole attitude is different.  On work days, mornings are hectic. I don't make time to invite Him in and my demeanor reflects it.  I let the chaos take reign and we begin our day frazzled and frustrated.

Over the last week, I chose to change my morning attitude for my kids.  I realized that just as my days are affected when I don't make time for Jesus, their days are affected by my early-morning dysfunctionality.  "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6 (NKJV)  We must train ourselves AND our children to invite the Lord in to our hearts every morning.  Like all other things, we have to teach them what this means, what it looks like, and how it feels.  So, when I sneak in to wake them up each morning, I do so with a song.  I sit down gently, I rub their heads, I admire my sleeping babies.  My heart skips a beat as they wipe away the sleep from their eyes...

THEN, I start to sing (rather loudly and off-key), "Rise and shine and give God the glory glory!!" My six yr old, true to his nature, jumps up and starts wiggly dancing. We laugh and hug and I go to wake up his brother.  Mason, who you'll remember is much like me, offers little more than a half-grin at my silliness before reaching his arms up to me.  I snuggle him and offer him the love of the Lord and we start our morning.  After just two days of this, I noticed how much more smoothly our mornings were running.  It is practically palpable. 

My next goal is to make Him a part of my morning, every morning.  ...Even if that means waking up earlier than the "hustle and bustle" for the sole purpose of coffee, sunshine, and His word.  Some of you are like me and your time with Jesus is simply irregular, while some of you don't spend much time with Him at all.  So this week, I challenge you to make a change.  Before life gets loud, before you check your Facebook, or make your to-do lists... fill your heart with Jesus.  Start with today and push on again tomorrow.  My hope is that before we know it, those minutes of sleep we sacrificed will pale in comparison to the benefits of beginning our days with God.  I believe that welcoming His presence in to our first moments each day will fuel a difference for us all.  He longs to be part of everything we do, it's as simple as opening the door and inviting Him in for coffee...

 

My Testimony

For nearly two years, the Lord has been asking me to write my testimony.  To share with the world my deepest, darkest places.  Though, I think I'd wind up with a book if I went there!  The more important aspect, of course, is to tell the story of what God has done in and through my life.  So, in faith and obedience, here is my story. 

 

 

I didn't really grow up in church. Not so many moons ago, I remember thinking I could count the number of times I had stepped foot in a church on one hand... definitely two. I grew up in a household where the belief was that organized religion wasn't necessary for worshipping God. So, there really wasn't a great amount of exposure to this Life, and as a kid, I never really knew I was missing anything. As a teenager, I even remember boldly stating that there was no God. I doubt anybody could have changed my mind at that time. I didn't know Him, nor did I fear Him. I didn't love Him, or know His love.

 

Fast forward ten years, two kids, and one miserably unhappy relationship later.  I found myself praying empty, desperate prayers to a God I still didn't know, but had somehow come to acknowledge.  I was muddling through an in-between place, some sort of vague Christian agnosticism. I saw this supposed "God of the universe" as a punishing deity, looking down on my existence with disdain and contempt. The state of my life was my fault, through a series of bad decisions, and He must enjoy watching me squirm because He never heard my prayers. He never rescued me. He just let me suffer. He let bad things happen to me over and over. Or at least that's how it felt. Where was this God of love and forgiveness, this redeemer of my sins?

It's really easy and convenient to blame God for the bad things in your life when you have no concept of His character.

 

My turning point came when I realized I had been praying, day in and day out, that the man I shared a

bed with would die. He was manipulative, destructive, and increasingly violent. He abused me in every capacity - verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually.  This person, the father of my children,  considered me worthless and a burden... and never thought twice about telling me so.  Eventually, his rage became unpredictable and I knew my boys and I were no longer safe or loved, so I would plead with the Lord to free me from my cage. I would stare up at an empty sky and pray "Please, just let me out of this trap. Just one good heart attack..."  I was broken and blinded by the depths of my pain. I was half-way through nursing school, unemployed, with two babies to think about. I couldn't see any other way out. 

 

The heart attack never came.

 

Through my best friend's incessant nagging and a heaping spoonful of desperation, I began going to church. Very quickly, my eyes were opened to the true character of God, the love of Jesus, and the hope of new life.  About six weeks later, an opportunity arose to leave all the toxicity behind and start my life over. It was a less than ideal option and the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but it had quickly become the only option. Two days after my 26th birthday, I moved myself and my children into a homeless shelter. 

 

As far as shelters go, it was a good one.  We had a small, private room and bathroom. We shared a community kitchen with 40 other families. The program allowed me to finish school, save money, pay off debts.  In the year we spent there, I was equal parts grateful and endlessly frustrated.  For the first time in my life, I had a ridiculously early curfew. I was required to be in certain places, maintain certain grades, my money was monitored via a budget they made for me. Not a single day or decision felt like my own.

 

Exactly one year later, two days after my 27th birthday,  I rebelled against this perceived control and got myself unceremoniously dismissed from the program.  We all know how much I struggle with control. But even then, He rescued me.  He gave me a home and surrounded me with a village of people who loved me through my worsts.

 

It's only now that I can look back and see all the good it did for me, that chapter in the shelter. I grew so much in that short year.  I finished nursing school, landed an amazing job, and learned invaluable life lessons. I learned about follow-through, perseverance and success. Most importantly, I discovered Truth & faith and jumped in to my journey with Jesus wholeheartedly.  In that year, I went from dwelling in rock bottom to thriving in total dependence on my Heavenly Father. I begged Him to work a miracle in my life and He gave me more than I ever could have dreamed of!

 

Maybe you've known God all your life.  Maybe you don't know Him at all.  Perhaps you believe in a higher power, but you aren't sure what kind.  Maybe, just maybe, your story is like mine.  Maybe you found him at rock bottom.  Maybe He was exactly what you needed, exactly when you needed Him.  It was only when I had nothing left to lose, except my life as I knew it, that I relinquished control and invited God in to my heart.  From day one, He began healing my brokenness. He wooed me in Grace and goodness, and love like I've never known.  He gave me truth where lies were embedded deep. He made my whole world new, gave me hope and purpose.  He showed me that I am not, was not, will never be worthless or a burden. He, the God of the universe, values me... and He values you, too.  

Heavenly Father,
Thank you... for Your endless mercies.  For Your goodness.  For unfailing love.  Father,  I lift them up to you tonight.  Those who know you, those who don't, and all those who struggle in-between.  I pray that you will plant the seed of Love deep in their hearts and reveal Yourself to them in such a way that You cannot be denied.  For those who already walk with You, I pray you will draw them near into boundless, beautiful, child-like faith.  Your word says that we are not only Your children, but Your friends.  Thank you SO MUCH for this gift of closeness, for relationship with You.  Lord, I ask that You would just wrap Your arms around this hurting world tonight.  We need help that only You can give.  Our load is heavy and we are weary, Lord... but Your yoke is easy, Your burden light.  I believe that, Father, and I ask that You would shine Your Light in to every heavy heart and every aching soul.  Meet them in the broken places and give them new life!
In Jesus' Name, 
Amen.        

Pulling Forward

It feels odd to be writing again; to feel inspired enough to write.  This is my first genuine effort in over 9 months. The Lord's inspiration once flowed through me like streams of living water. I could put pen to paper and create something beautiful for His glory. About a year ago, that all stopped. Somewhere along the way, through a series of disappointments, I put up barriers between myself and God; a dam to stop the water's flow.  I'm still sorting through the details of how I got there, but there I was. And here I remain... standing firm in all my stagnation. 

 

Recently, however, I've been feeling Jesus' presence around me again.  I see reminders of His love and mercy all about. He is creating a longing in me, and beckoning me back to Him. For whatever reason, I've continued to drag my heels... but slowly, my heart is reopening. I am readying myself (or more likely, He is readying me) to step back into Love, freedom, and church. 

This weekend was a prime example.  I was riding around in my best friend's truck when the song Hosanna by Hillsong shuffled it's way onto the radio. "Ohh, I love this song. I haven't heard it in forever!" I said, closing my eyes just briefly and soaking in the melody like a sponge to water.  Instantly, I was covered in chills. As the song played on, I was taken aback by the depth of my emotions in those moments.  It didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't simply feeling overemotional, but that somewhere deep down, there was a memory attached to this song.  I could feel the feelings, but like a word on the tip of your tongue, I couldn't quite pull the memory forward. A few minutes later, the song ended and I was left wondering why I couldn't recall where in my soul it was tied to.

 

As I mindlessly flitted about spring cleaning my house the following day, the mild "Hosanna" frustration remained at the forefront of my heart. In a random moment of desperate brilliance, I decided the only solution was to download the song and play it on repeat until that dang memory remembered itself!   

...yeah, don't think for a second that it actually worked.  All things in His time, right? :)

 

Flash forward to that evening. I got the kids to bed and curled up on the couch for a few minutes of "me time," when I suddenly felt the urge to listen to the song AGAIN. I pressed play, laid the phone near my ear, and listened intently. I would have given anything to recreate those feelings from the day before, to hear or see clearly. Before long, I found myself praying... not for remembrance, but for forgiveness. I repented for my resentment, my hesitation, and the walls around my heart. For even in that moment of repentance, my guard was high, which left me feeling guilty and inauthentic.   With an "Amen" and a sigh, I was drawn back to the music playing in my ear.

 

" Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen..."

 

And I prayed that line with all my heart.

 

Soon enough, the flashbacks were in full effect.  I remembered spending hours crouched in the corner clutching my child near to me, begging to be set free.  I recalled the incredible people who were so influential in my journey to the Truth. I saw myself sitting under the tree, soaking in the presence of my Savior. I remembered feeling safe. Protected. Favored. I could feel the Lord lay His hand on me that night. I relived my greatest joy and my first disappointment; richly warm and bitter cold.  Like flashes of lightning in a rain storm, He reminded me of every milestone in our walk together, good and bad. 

With every reflection, God insisted I've come too far to walk away... because before I knew the Lord, He knew me. He knew the exact moment I would find my faith. He knew I would run fervently in to a life that promised purpose, roots, and love that knows no bounds.  He even knew that I would one day build a dam between us... and still, the God of the universe chose to love me.

 

As the memories slowed, the song faded out and I opened my eyes.  I hadn't even noticed, but tears were rolling down my cheeks.  

Stepping away from this voyage over the last year felt like rebellion, and maybe it was... but I'm beginning to realize it served a greater purpose than I could have seen.  I've learned that my faith exists with unwavering force in the depths of my heart. It is not maintained by my mentors or my church . It is not something I do, it's who I am. I am confident that I am loved and that He will always meet me right where I'm at.  Jesus took what I could give Him in that moment and turned it into a beautiful reminder of our journey together.  He let me stand still, He let me question everything... and then He pulled me forward again. 

 

 

A Morning of Reflection

Last night, I worked the graveyard shift as part of my first official on-call weekend (one of the less thrilling requirements of my new position at work). There is something uniquely peaceful about the overnight shift.  Even in it's most chaotic moments (and there were several), it's got nothing on day shift. After being up 27 straight hours, I fully anticipated sleeping until supper, but here I am bright eyed and... (what's the opposite of bushy-tailed?)... oh, yes... feeling like I've been hit by a train... at noon.  In my waking moments, the Lord tapped me on the shoulder with a beautiful reminder of what today is.

One year ago today, I graduated nursing school.  There is a part of me that, in my stature and self-confidence, can't believe it's only been a year.  The other part of me is dumbfounded by how fast it went and how different my life is in such a short time. This time last year, the scariest thing ahead of me was passing NCLEX (which I did in the minimum number of possible questions, thank you very much!) That achievement alone is what truly unlocked the door to my new life.  In the year since, I have provided a home for my children, purchased and paid off a car, grown and matured into someone I am proud of, and secured a future for myself and my boys by following my heart into a career that I am utterly passionate about. 

I am also reminded that it was this month, two years ago, that I first began clinicals in nursing school. I walked into a facility that would change my life forever. I couldn't have handpicked a more positive, more nurturing first experience for honing my newly acquired skills. There was a cohesiveness in that place that, even then, I knew was special. It's only now that I can truly understand and appreciate the beauty in a bonded team. By the time my rotation was over there, I had fallen in love with those people, that place, and the town in which they resided. I left a piece of my heart in that facility, knowing some day I'd come back to claim it. My whole soul wanted nothing more than to be part of that team.

9 months ago, I was offered an interview there. I couldn't explain it at the time, but I could hear the Lord, as clear as day, telling me my dream job was not where I thought it was. The same day, I accepted a job elsewhere.  Obedience to God is a funny thing. I hated my job. I was drowning in a place where there was NO concept of team. No training, no education.  I worked each day in fear for my precious, new license. No matter how hard I prayed for a different option, the Lord never would release me from working there. Leaving just never felt like an option.  Finally, the tide changed and the obedience began to pay off. I moved and made my life in the little town that I loved so much. That same month, one by one, He brought my dream team to me. Now, I work with the most incredible women who have taught me and molded me into the nurse I am today. With their guidance, I have persevered and gone from drowning to flourishing.  I owe every ounce of that to their vision, patience, and their loving kindness to see me through.  My life is different because I met them, but my heart... my heart is supremely blessed for getting to know them.  I thank God for them every chance I get, and for being allowed the chance to be a part of the new dream team.

I am grateful beyond measure that God crossed my path with theirs.  I have the life, the job, and the friends that I dared to dream about two years ago. What an incredible triumph!  God is good all the time. God is so, so good and this entire journey has been for His glory. I simply would not have come this far if I had not been repeatedly and abundantly blessed by Him. It is a beautiful gift to be in such a place that I can reflect back to a completely different time and see my Father's hand in my big picture, every step of the way.  I never want to forget the feeling of thankfulness in my heart today. He is a big God who does big things, and just as He promised... He has given me the desires of my heart. I could never do anything to earn this kind of favor... it is a beautiful and perfect gift from above.

The Lonely Hearts Club

Most days, I fancy myself superwoman. I do it all. I do it well. And I do it (mostly) alone. I am intensely devoted to my kids, my career, and just about anything else that strikes a fire in my heart.  Most days, I fancy myself superwoman... but not today.

Today, my heart echoes in it's emptiness. I yearn for something more. In true fashion,  instead of discovering what "more" means in this chapter of life, my ever-familiar flight response is revving within. I want nothing more than to jump in the car, turn the music up, hit the open road and drive until my soul finds Peace.  And I would... If I didn't know, with absolute certainty, that this same dull ache in my chest would be waiting right here for me when I return. 

Loneliness is new territory for me. I am usually quite content to be alone. I keep less than a few close friends. I enjoy being single. My anti-social awkwardness has frequently stopped me, but never bothered me. I enjoy my own company and have rarely desired much more.

But lately... lately, between the busyness of life and the exhaustion that follows, each and every one of my relationships have suffered. Some of them are okay but lacking, some sorely damaged, while others have plummeted into a dark abyss of my own creation. I spend a lot of time being too tired to worry about it, and the rest of my time regretting that I let it go this far.

I've also been letting a life-sucking fear drive me around for months now. I am suffocating somewhere between a fear of failure and a fear of happiness.  I dont want to fail my kids again, lose the life I've built, feel the things I used to feel, or ever let my life look like it once did.  But I feel like I'm a hamster on a wheel, running fast and hard just to... maintain. Never moving forward, just waiting in anxious anticipation for the other shoe to drop.

The "more" that I am yearning for is decidedly this: more friends, more time, more deeply fulfilling relationships. For the first time, I think I am desiring new friendships in addition to repairing and enhancing the old ones. I miss my family and want to restore those bonds. I want more enjoyment in my life. More love. More God. I want things to be both the way they used to be and yet better than ever.

So, as much as I desire fulfilling relationships, I think it's important to spend some time regaining my identity outside of "mommy" and "nurse."  Taking a little less care of others and a lot better care of myself. I have to get me all straightened out, but most importantly, I've got to get right with God. And after that? After that, I'm going to start repairing the rut in my relationships.  I will start seeking new friendships with people who share my interests and who are as giving as I am. I will stop investing in those relationships where there is an imbalance of give and take.  I will build my new life to be exactly as I always imagined it to be, and I will conquer these draining fears. I will step back into the call for freedom and dance in it. I have come too far and worked too hard to be this dissatisfied with myself and my life. Something has to give.

All I can say is... somewhere along the way I lost my tenacity, my zest, my me-ness. And let me tell you, there is nothing more disappointing than realizing you've lost your you-ness. I just want to catch my breath. I want to feel like me again. I want to re-become the person who relinquishes control and trusts the Lord. The person who seeks the Lord first and most,  rather than forcing herself to be in relationship Him.

Most days I fancy myself superwoman... but not anymore. I only want to be exactly who He created me to be.  I'm done spinning my wheels.  Today is the day I stop running and start living...

An Attitude of Gratitude

Lately, I'm finding that my heart has been emptied of it's love and joy. Instead, it has been full to the brim with anger, resentment, and an aloofness that goes against my very nature. Yes, every ounce of peace has been drained dry; every smidgeon of hope squeezed out to a slow, thick drip. I'm an analytical person, logical to the core. I like to understand things, for everything to make sense somehow.  So, I continue to look inward, searching for the event, conversation, or precise moment where this shift occurred; but no matter the effort or desire, I just can't seem to find it. It just is. This change in demeanor doesn't make sense to me. More than that, I continue trying to bottle it up and shove it away in hopes that it will just... disappear.

I was taught, time and time again, what to do in times like this. You know - Surrender it to God. Pray. Repent. Pray again. Make sure I've really surrendered it. Pray some more.
...You get the picture.
The problem is, I feel so guarded. So shut off and disconnected, disinterested.. that I have no idea how to get to that praying place. The enemy begins to whisper lies in my ear and it just overtakes me.  I'm consumed by complaints, negativity, and frustration. Final Destination: ingratitude.

Ingratitude is not a place we, as followers of Christ, should live in. In fact, the less we remain in the grateful place, the easier it is to backslide into this negative, worldly consumption.  Life is messy. WE are messy.  Every day we are faced with situations and circumstances that create stress, which distract us from the many things we have to be thankful for. We get so caught up in our responsibilities and anxieties that thanking God falls off our radar completely.  We often overlook how important it is to make a conscious connection, moment to moment, with the Holy Spirit. We forget to give thanks for what He is doing in & through us each day, be it trial or triumph.

So how do I begin wading through the muck to get back to the grateful place? Sheer force! Force yourself to say that prayer, read that verse, go to church.  Whether you feel it or not, whether you have the words or not... There is power in the attempt. Make a list if you have to, of all the blessings and grace He has gifted to you. Whatever it takes to start chipping away at the Great Wall of Ingratitude, so that eventually, you may be reminded just how green the grass is on His side. (Then, jump that wall and don't look back! :D )

Gratitude is so crucial to our faith walks. When you give God the glory for all He has done in your life, blessings will continue to pour out for you. Additionally, giving thanks to the Lord is like hitting the refresh button for your faith. You are immediately reminded of where you've been, what He's given you, and the possibility of what's to come. This further cements and reinforces your relationship with Christ and strengthens your trust in His presence, His faithfulness, and His unfailing mercy.

Even in the hardest times of our lives, we have SO much to be thankful for. Consider what a life with Christ means. Consider what was sacrificed for each and every one of us, and the gift of salvation. Is it enough for you? Are you thankful?  Let that put things in perspective when you find yourself feeling ungrateful. Consciously shifting your focus is the quickest way to adjust to an attitude of gratitude.  Lastly, remember that there is relief, unmatched, in the love of the Lord ...and no matter how long you shy away, He will always be waiting with open arms. Always.

The Search For Rest

I don't know about all of you, but I'm tired. Exhausted, really. I am a single mother raising two boys, the sole provider for my household, and an overly-attached nurse working 50 hrs a week. Somebody's daughter, sister, friend. For all intents and purposes, my life is pretty good compared to what it used to be. I should be smiling. I should be happy. I should be so much more than this... but all I really am, is tired.

So tired, in fact, that even the things that were once enjoyable for me, now feel like work. My hobbies, my down time, ...my faith. Yes, in a world that is whirling around me in fast-forward, whirring in it's white noise, I am finding it harder and harder to stay connected and committed to my relationship with God. There, I said it: I am far busier than He ever intended me to be. And for what??  Without Him in His closeness, I feel purposeless, disconnected, & discombobulated. When did I allow myself to become this busy?

The Bible speaks very highly of rest. We can trace it all the way back to creation. In Genesis 2, after creating ALL the universe, the Lord saw that His work was good and rested on the seventh day. I don't imagine that this was because our Almighty, all-powerful God was all tuckered out. I like to think He was giving us a gentle nudge toward a standard of living. We all have work that is required of us, but when the work is done, we should spend some time resting.

Rest does not come easily for us, especially in a world so obsessed with distraction. We've got to have more, do more, be more. And what should happen if we slow down? Will the world, as we know it, forget to turn? Will all things come to a screeching halt because we choose to indulge in a little R&R today? NO. This is why rest feels like a foreign concept to us. It goes against our grain. To rest means to slow down, in all capacities, and trust that God will take care of things for you.

The next verse that comes to mind, and probably the most obvious, is found in Matthew 11:28-30.  "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."  
My initial reaction is, "I'm sorry,  WHAT? Where is this elusive rest, this 'light burden'? And how do I get me some of that??"

...Aaand then I float back down to earth and remember... it's really not that complicated, resting in the Lord. The Lord did not create us to be anxious, busy, worried. We were created to be free, restored, and renewed.  So how do we find the Lord's rest?

It begins with that trust I was talking about earlier. Do you believe, with all your heart, that God has got this? Do you trust that He will gladly bear the weight for you? Do you have faith that He will awaken you when the time is right?  Then, "do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Phil 4:6) Pray! Thank Him for His goodness. Thank Him for the trials. Thank Him for the blessings that come with a busy life - it could definitely be worse! Then, ask Him for those things you need, ask for rest. Listen closely for His voice. The rest will follow (no pun intended). This kind of rest eliminates all worry and fear. There is no anxiety in this rest. There is no striving forward, nor looking back. You simply rest in the presence of our Lord, knowing full well He has you covered. Close your eyes, breathe it in, and be thankful that we serve a God who loves us this much.