Dare You to Move

I've been listening to this song for years, & for quite some time before I ever took notice of the spiritual meaning behind the lyrics.  It's been on my iPod for a LONG time, but rarely listened to.  However, nowadays, I love the spiritual subtleties in Switchfoot's music.  There's a greater purpose in that and I love it.  This morning Dare You to Move played while I was in the shower, and even though I've heard it hundreds of times (even recently), the lyrics spoke to me in a profoundly different way today.  The Holy Spirit has been with me all morning, so I shouldn't have been surprised by this sudden spring of inspiration, but I was.  Bear with me as I humbly summarize my thoughts on some of the lyrics, and then hopefully, it will bring the rest in to focus.  Mind you, those same spiritual subtleties that I so love also leave room for multiple interpretations, and I think that's what makes it so beautiful.  You can relate it to the Bible, you can relate it to life on earth, as a believer or non-believer.

For me, this entire song is about the battle between living for the world or living for something GREATER.  It is about coming to the altar and making a choice.  It's about a beautiful awakening.  Do we choose the promise of eternal life, or to simply exist? Kneeling before the Lord, do we dare get up and move?  Can you stand up and refuse a life full of perfect, awesome promises; a life of surrender to Him?  I dare you to move...
 I choose Him.  I surrender.  And then, "what happens next?" 
"Welcome to the fallout" ...Oh the fallout.  We must give up our worldly desires and know that we will face persecution in the process.  "Welcome to resistance" ...my biggest struggle.  There is a spiritual battle between resisting the temptations of the world and living a life that is pleasing to God. Have you found your strength in Him to endure the fight?  Can you remove yourself from being accepted in the world for what your Heavenly Father tells you is right and good?  Do you feel the tension between the sinful nature you've known so long and the person Christ is calling you to be?  It is time to relay who you are to who you could be.  Do you feel the strain "between how it is and how it should be?"  I live here right now... and I don't want to get stuck, I want to move.
I dare you to move...
And suddenly the meaning of the chorus changes for me.  He dares me to move.  A challenge to get up off the floor and live this brilliant life he has laid out for the taking.  To have faith and become exactly who He always meant me to be.   He is challenging me to get up and move for Him, even when others aren't.  Even when they will judge me for it.

Once you come to the Lord, you are forever changed.  You can't go backwards, you can't un-know the truth.  You can't pretend it never happened.  He is the light, the only way.  So, it's time to move forward and accept these gifts.  There is so much beauty and hope, wonder and awe... meaning, purpose, and love with our Father... "where you gonna go?"  He is the only answer.  Forgiveness, redemption, salvation... with Him, they are yours.  

~and now that I'm on the verge of some big tears~

Be confident that He works only for your good, and that He will continue that work your whole life through.  Remember that your past is a part of your history, a part of your testimony.  You can't throw it away.  But it doesn't have to matter so much anymore.  In Him, you are made new.  You get to begin all over and be who He calls you to be.  If that's not powerful, I don't know what is.  

I have seen God's blessings rain on me exponentially recently.  I have felt the Spirit near to me more often than I could have ever imagined.  I hear His calls, I feel His love.  And yet, the resistance and tension were, quite possibly, more present than ever.  I called out to the Lord for understanding.  I knew He was working for me in great ways, I knew it.  But I couldn't see the bigger picture.  I was disbelieving of what He was showing me.  I was doubting His plan for me.  I asked Him to show me.  Please, just show me again.  
And then I heard his whisper.  And I doubted, still.  For, His bigger picture was bigger and more meaningful than I had originally thought.  But I heard it again... and then I saw it, clearly and concisely.  And while I still have questions, I am at peace knowing I am not meant to understand it all.  I am only meant to follow where He leads.  He has a given me a glimpse of what our walk together is purposed for.  That's all I need.  
So, yes, let it begin... 

Overcoming Pride (and the road to Humility)

Okay, so I feel like I've gotten a little off track with this blog.  It is supposed to be, at it's core, about my ongoing voyage in coming to know the Lord, and the self-growth that results from submitting myself to His will.  I don't want to forget that!  Though I'll admit, it is SO much easier in theory than in application. ;)  So, to get back to the heart of this thing, I've had to step back for a couple of weeks and decipher where He wants me to lay my focus next.  In true fashion, He delivered in BIG ways.  He is flooding my heart with His calls and placing all the right people in my life to guide me through.

SO, let's talk about PRIDE.  And how I have far too much of it... AND what that means for me spiritually, AND how to begin ridding it from my life! (Brace yourselves, this feels like a long one)

Growing up, even at a very young age, I can remember feeling chastised for my stubborn pride.  It's another one of those things I don't really understand about myself just yet, as far as where it's rooted and such.  Most of my life I've just chalked it up to one of those family traits I wish I hadn't been saddled with.  I mean, it runs deep ... I get it honest.  BUT, that doesn't make it okay.  I've "owned" it for a long time, but the closer I grow to my Heavenly Father, the more I don't want to own it at all.  It's unbecoming.

What does the Bible say about pride, you ask?  I'm glad you're curious, too! Turns out, the Bible has several things to say about it.  (Proverbs is apparently the place to go!) Here are a few pieces of scripture that speak to me: 
"To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech." Proverbs 8:13 (NIV)
"The Lord detests all the proud of heart.  Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished." Proverbs 16:5 (NIV) 
"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." Proverbs 11:2 (NIV)

Pride, for me, has been about pushing through life alone.  I am too prideful to admit when I need love, help, or attention.  I don't want to cost anyone anything.  I don't want to be a burden to those that I love.  This is one of those pesky lies I've come to believe about myself throughout my life. I accepted this particular lie as one of my truths over the last 10 years, as the result of being in a very unhealthy relationship.  I let him convince me that, not only was I a burden, but I was unworthy of anything my heart desired.  As if this wasn't bad enough, I let my pride trap me in that awful relationship.  I was too proud to admit I deserved better, too proud to walk away; to admit to my bad decisions, defeat, and failure.  I gave him far too much power over my heart and soul.  Somehow, pride distorted my perception of strength and I felt I could and should cope with the mental and emotional lashings.  I struggle greatly with vulnerability because of pride.  My pride doesn't allow me to be me very often.  Yes, even my shyness is pride.  I can't speak when I want to speak, I can't find the nerve to ask questions, for fear of rejection.  I experience my emotions behind closed doors and then shove it down deep in the recesses of my being.  I know better and yet, can't make myself do anything about it.  I am too prideful to forgive, and therefore, I'm cheated out of inner healing. Every major issue I battle is directly linked to my problems with pride.

Pride is a subtle sin that takes you over completely.  It manifests itself big and small, and unsuspecting... and then super glues itself to your insides.  It is incredibly difficult to resist or reverse, and is intensely destructive to one's spirit.  My pride is hindering me from fully obeying the Lord.  I want to be of service to Him, grow in grace, and help others in the ways He has called me to do.  Yet, my pride rears it's ugly head incessantly.  

So, how do we begin to overcome pride?  

Initially, I believe it begins in grounding yourself with an understanding of who we are in relation to God.  We are the created, not the creator.  In pridefulness, we tend to think we can do things on our own.  We forget that everything we have has been given to us by the Lord.  We disregard His perfect design for us in pursuit of our own selfish plans. We must remember that the opposite of pride is not shame or guilt, but humility.  We should humble ourselves before our Father, and learn to accept love and help from others.  Why?  Because these are God's blessings to us, and by accepting them, we are giving glory to God.  I don't know about you, but I don't ever want to be disrespectful of the gifts the Lord has given me.  Secondly, I think we have to learn to seek God's word for our struggles.  It should be the standard by which we live our lives.  By all means, absorb what you can from others, but always measure their words with God's word.  Lastly, turn to prayer. Prayer and pride tend to complicate one another.  People with a lot of pride don't always pray as fervently as they should, but there is no need to go this alone. Confess your sins and pray for forgiveness.  Pray for humility and discernment.  Pray for healing and restoration from the spiritual destruction pride has caused you.  Pray that Jesus will take your heart full of pride and replace it with a humble one.  For, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6  

I encourage you all to take inventory of the areas in your life that are controlled by pride.  You may be acquainted with of much of it offhand, but you'll be surprised to see how it seeps into every imaginable nook and cranny of your spirit and festers there.  The greatest power in taking stock of your pride is that once you are aware of its presence, you have no excuse to let it live there any longer! ;)  It is time to set foot on the road to humility so that we may receive God's grace and fulfill the lives he meant for each of us.  And don't forget to pray, pray, pray! :)

Lucky? Not so fast...

I am so tired of hearing how "lucky" I am to get "a break" when my boys are away, be it with my parents or when they are with their dad for visitation. What the hell is wrong with people?  Sure, we ALL need those breaks on occasion.  I firmly believe it makes you a better parent to step away and indulge in self-care.  But I'm so OVER hearing how incredible my life must be because I'm forced to share my kids.  I am lucky for sure, if by "lucky" they mean "blessed." I am blessed to have 2 incredible kids who make my whole world right. Blessed that I thoroughly enjoy their company. Blessed that I have an understanding of what being a good and effective parent means, and that I'm devoted enough to strive for that. Blessed that I do get "breaks" from time to time, and blessed that my children have a big extended family who love them and want to spend time with them. Sure, we're "lucky." (Rant ALMOST over... but let's dig a little deeper, shall we?)

I understand the every day stresses of being a parent.  I, myself, am guilty of being all too often short-tempered, impatient, and easily frustrated by my boys.  We all are.  Being a parent means you fail most of the time.  We are all getting it mostly "wrong" every single day.  And yet, by the grace of God, our children are incredibly quick to recover and forgive, and love us through it all.  On my best day, I'm not half the mom I want to be. This is the very essence of being a parent.  Loving them intensely, failing them constantly, and getting to wake up the next morning and try again.  I am in love with this brilliant notion.  Praise God for their innocence and resilience!  No matter how terrible or amazing my parenting is on any given day, God willing, I get to wake up the next day and try to be better!  In realizing this when my oldest was a baby, it made me strive harder and higher with every passing day.  I was a mom I was proud to be most of the time, and everybody around me noticed.

Life got tough, baby #2 came... life got tougher... and for a while, I wasn't proud of the Mom I was.  I didn't enjoy my kids, I "needed" those breaks far too frequently... I lost sight of God's gift to me. And everybody around me noticed that too.  It's only been since I made the decision to change my life and get away from an unhealthy situation that I could hear God's call again.  Try again, wake up tomorrow and try again.  Be who they need you to be, be who I made you to be.    When you feel a call like that, you work your hardest to meet it.   

I will never deny the fact that I struggle with being a parent as much as the next person.  I also give major props to the other women, like myself, who are doing it alone... It makes life's hardest job HARDER.  And the heavier my stress load, the less of a parent I am. However, in going it alone, there is no choice but to keep on pushing forward, for everyone's sake. (No tag team effect here). Also, in knowing people who can't or don't have children or in remembering my own struggle to carry a pregnancy to term, I have found a greater appreciation for my blessings.  Keeping these things in mind, keeps my parenting approach in check.  

Find something that keeps your parenting in check, and try to remember it daily.  Hold on to thoughts like that each time your children test your patience.  Be acutely aware of your interactions with them, and act or react accordingly. 

On a good day, my boys think I hung the moon.  They are such Momma's boys, and contrary to things I've said in the past, I wouldn't have it any other way.  They love me unconditionally, like no other.  They consume my whole heart and I would do anything for them.  On a bad day, I have singlehandedly wounded their hearts and spirits.  Nobody wants to carry that burden... we all want to get it right, more often than not.  

So am I "lucky" to have people in my life who swoop in to ease my load, love my children, and provide us with a support system?  Absolutely, I am.  I'm not only blessed, but I am grateful.  I am grateful for my God, who knows my imperfections and loves me anyway.  I am grateful for His forgiveness and the forgiveness of my children.  I am grateful to Him for each moment I get with those awesome boys... to hug them, play with them, for every second I get to be their mom.  I make every effort not to take that for granted.  So please, STOP telling me how "lucky" I am to be away from them.  Those days that we're apart?  Those days are a sacrifice.  It is for a bigger purpose that you may never understand.  Stop looking at my life through rose-colored glasses.  Turn around and look at your own and be thankful for those beautiful babies who are driving you crazy!  And if you need a break that badly, ASK.  I'd be happy to help, cuz I'm missing mine like crazy. 
Maybe I'm alone in this... but I don't want breaks anymore, I don't want time apart.  I want my kids.  We have to be grateful for our kids.  Always. 

Rant officially over.  No editing... just my crazy, jumbled thoughts. ;)

Blowing Sunshine

Today, a classmate stopped me on my way out and shared with me that she really enjoyed a presentation I gave in class.  She went on to say that I came across very collected, at ease, and that I really knew my stuff.  I was so touched that she would go out of her way to share that with me and it left quite an impression.

It got me to thinking (surprise, surprise!), that it is SO rare that we genuinely compliment one another.  Even in circumstances in which we are trying to be helpful, we are quick to call attention to each others flaws and shortcomings.  I have been in a whirlwind of personal growth lately, and yet, it is constantly pointed out to me what I need to change, with very little attention paid to what I'm getting right.  I'm not saying we should ignore the less than appealing parts of ourselves and those of our loved ones, but at the risk of sounding cliche, where is the love? (Did anybody else hear Justin Timberlake's voice in their head just now?  ...wish I hadn't)

Think of that feeling you get when somebody pays you a compliment.  That tiny seed of fulfillment, validation from a peer. (yeah, yeah.. I know, I like my validation.  Sue me.)  It brings a smile to your face, the sun seems to shine a little brighter. :P  Now consider how that feeling is greatly magnified when that compliment comes from someone you least expect or a total stranger.  That's a game changer. ;)  I know I'm not the only one who delights in that feeling.  By nature, we not only want to feel good but to make others feel good.  How often have you felt inspired to share a kind word with someone, and in second-guessing yourself, decided against it?   

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV) states, we should "...encourage one another and build each other up..."  And we most definitely should!  Doesn't get much clearer than that!  We are given a heart that yearns to love and comfort others, and yet, so often we dismiss these pulls and pushes in the name of social acceptability.  Ugh!  Thumbs down.  

I challenge you to be bold!  When you think of something flattering about somebody else, SPEAK UP!  Praise them!  Say whatever is in your heart, and give that person the feeling we all revel in.  I wholeheartedly believe it's not only what Jesus would DO, but what he would want. Once you conquer this challenge today, hit the repeat button.  :)  What harm could possibly come from being just a little bit nicer, a little bit sweeter, eh?? 

So, my loves, get out there and blow some sunshine up somebody's butt today! 

Love my nieces to pieces!

Every little girl dreams of growing up and getting married, right?  Not me.  Growing up, all I ever really wanted to be was a Mommy.  Somewhere along the way I missed the connection: marriage then Mommy.  I had visions of something akin to Old Mother Hubbard, minus the shoe.  I began compiling lists of baby names when I was 7 and my Mom was expecting my sister.  It was the year of Aladdin, and I remember being rather sure that my sister was destined for the name, Jasmine.  :)  I became particularly convinced after my sister was born that I would grow up and have 3 daughters.  Even throughout my teenage years, my desire for babies of my own never wavered.  Scary thought!  And still the idea remained, 3 beautiful daughters. 

It took 30 weeks to determine the gender of my modestly cross-legged baby BOY.  I was baffled.  "Boy?  What do I do with a boy?"  I wasn't ungrateful, per se, but it definitely took some getting used to! (and yes, I'm fairly ashamed to admit that)  Fast forward 4 years and the good Lord has blessed me with 2 amazing boys! They are awesome and bring me so much joy.  I could gush about them for days.  I love them so completely, and there isn't a girl in the world I would trade them for!  In fact, I've come to find that I feel meant to mother boys.  Not that I think I'll never have a daughter, for that is up to the Big Guy, but I feel like maybe I have something special to offer in molding these little men.

I fully believe that it is by this same divine intervention that I am blessed with 3 beautiful nieces!  (No nephews so far!)  Ohhh, and they melt my heart!!  I am supremely smitten by my splendid sweethearts.  Three incredible princesses that I get to love as my own, spoil rotten, and then send 'em on home!! Being an Aunt has been unmatched by anything, except motherhood.  And for me, they are really more adjacent anyway.  I feel the same call and responsibility to my gorgeous girls as I do my handsome boys.  Nothing beats the swell in my heart when I see my charming primadonna spinning in a purple dress, a well-earned smile from my little rag doll, or the smell of a perfectly pink newborn held close to my chest. There's just something special about little girls. You teach me how to love well, and what it means to be loved well. 😍


To my nieces: Stella, Skyler, and Emma, these are my words to you:

Never grow up! ;) I make it my personal duty to see to that!  I promise to read you books and feed you ice cream when Mommy isn't looking.  I guarantee many, many tickle fights and lots of laughter and kisses.  I cant wait to introduce you to some quality music, and I look forward to the dance parties that will ensue!  On the other hand, I promise to teach you manners, respect, and courtesy. Compassion for others and the importance of an education.

Life is confusing. It's full of glorious moments that will capture your heart and take your breath away, and in the next fell swoop, the ground beneath your feet will seem to crumble.  But know this: I will love you ALWAYS, through thick and thin, exactly as you are.  I will protect you... from those who try to hurt you, but also from yourself.  I will be your safe place and your rock. I will always have a hug to give and a shoulder to cry on.  I will listen to every story and praise your every accomplishment.  No matter how scary the world, know that the good always outshines the bad.  And believe in that with all your heart.  I promise to help you cultivate a relationship with your Heavenly Father, and to show you the infinite peace He provides.  Be strong, but tender.  You can do anything a man can do, but do it well.  Embrace your inner beauty and let it shine as a light for others to follow.  Take time for yourself.  Work hard.  Don't give up and never question that you are capable of great things. Whenever you're in doubt, please remember, you just being you is enough. It will always be enough. You are extraordinary.  And if you ever need reminding of how breathtaking your you-ness is, just give me call.  
From the moment I first held each of you, I knew I would do anything for you.  You are each an irreplaceable part of me, as I hope to be to you.  I am one very lucky Aunt.  I love you, girls.  Always and forever.  
Love,
Aunt Jessa


Father, I want to thank you for bringing me 3 wonderful nieces who capture my heart.  They are a true blessing and I am so grateful and happy that you have chosen to share them with me.  Each of them is so special in their own way.  I thank you for Stella's affectionate heart that loves hard and breaks harder.  I pray she never loses that wide-openness.  I thank you for Skyler's easygoing nature and her silly hair that never fails to make me giggle.  I am especially thankful for the safe and healthy arrival of Baby Emma.  She is a perfect reminder of what is really important in this life, and I thank you for using her to speak to me.  I ask, Lord, that you rain blessings upon each of them so that they may have everything they could ever dream of and more, for I know you have plans to prosper them.  Father, I ask that you use me as a vessel to teach them of Your love and mercy.  I pray that you will protect them and keep them near to you always.  Lastly, Father, I pray that your grace flows through me so that I may have the opportunity to impact their lives like they have impacted mine.  I can't thank you enough for these precious girls.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

Call Me Captivated...

I wish I could capture the feel of the wind on my face and keep it near to me forever. Somehow stick it in my pocket to pull out on days when I just need reprieve. It's gentle push against my skin reminds me that I am alive, that I can feel.

I've spent two days in a row sitting in this park. It's beautifully secluded from the roaring rumpus of city life. To the untrained eye it's little more than a small, well-kept park. To me, it's a place of peace. The only place I can think of that allows my thoughts and prayers to float free. The wind picks them up and carries them away to the Lord. My soul knows no confinement in this place. The walls of my heart come down and I am left completely unguarded and exposed to absorb everything around me.  The chirping of birds, the color in the trees, the flags waving boldly in the breeze. The beauty here allows me to connect with the Holy Spirit in a deeply rejuvenating way that I can't seem to find elsewhere. 

I find myself here when my heart is heavy, when I feel unsettled or uncertain. When the tightness and the emptiness in my chest become unbearable.  Nothing would make me happier than to take up residence on this bench and do nothing but lie here and stare up at the sky every day of my life. To simply be here with the Holy Spirit who moves me. 

Time gets away from me here. When I close my eyes and pray, He is with me and sends a tingle all over my skin, much like the wind. I never want to leave.

I am instantly reminded of a quote from the book Captivating. It reads, "...remember what it's like to come into a beautiful place, a garden or a meadow, or a quiet beach. There is room for your soul. It expands. You can breathe again. You can rest. It is good. All is well."  Yes, it is. No matter the hurt in my heart, when I set foot in this place, Jesus knows why I am here. And He always delivers. He never fails me or fails to understand me. He doesn't disappoint. He fills me up and quiets my aching heart. He is always good. 

God is Love.

We all have things we like and dislike about ourselves.  When presented earlier this week with the task of identifying 3 things I love about myself, I was surprised by how much I struggled.  We are so quick to believe in the lies we’ve been told about ourselves that it is infinitely easier to pull from that negative list instead.  I rattled off whatever I could muster in the moment, something undeniably nondescript and completely impersonal to who I truly am.  However, the question lingered with me, as they always do, until I decided to make myself a list.  I am supposed to be changing, right?  This is part of the journey.  Renouncing the lies (another post for another time) and retraining my thoughts, yes?  Yes.  Time to put thought into action.
So here is a (very) short list of some of the things I love about ME:
 
1.  I have always been told that I possess wisdom beyond my years.  I have always considered myself an “old soul” and I think these two go hand-in-hand.  It is one of my favorite things about myself.
2. My appreciation for music. (Thanks, Mom)
3. I am a good and resourceful mommy.  I am raising awesome kids and I am proud to be able to take a great portion of credit for that!
4.  I am a good friend, the best really. ;)
5.  I have a HUGE heart.

This last one is my very favorite thing about myself, and yet it causes me SO much grief!  All who know me well know that I LOVE BIG.  Person, place, or thing - It doesn't matter.  It could be my best friend, a pet fish (RIP Charlie!), a song, a pretty sight, a hobby.  I love everyone and everything I let in with a deep, unwavering love and...  Let’s just be real for a second, it’s weird.  I am fully aware of this. I can't help it! I like to build people up and help them see what I see in them.  Truth be told, that's all it really is.  I am blessed to see the very best in people.  The beauty in a song or picture.  I feel the meaning in words and books.  And any one of these things is capable of inspiring immense joy in me.  I think it almost comes off as borderline idolatry, but it isn't.  I am distinctly and equally alert to the "bad stuff" ... but I believe in the good with all of my heart!

People don't typically know what to do with all of this love I have to give.  But why should I be made to feel ashamed of my over sized, overeager heart? ;) I just don't know how to love in pieces! I am an all or nothing kind of girl.
 
As much as I am trying to embrace this part of me, I also believe it is an important part of the journey to understand why I am the way I am.  There is an emotional void, that I suspect comes from fragments of multiple traumas pieced together.  I can often visualize this void smack-dab in the middle of my chest.  A gaping wound, a black hole.  I feel a tightness and an emptiness.  There is literally something missing.  I spent a long time surviving off of nuggets of emotional fulfillment from the people and things in my life.  And even though I've known for quite some time that no one person or thing could fill the void, I was blocking the love of God from my life.  I needed, and still need, healing that only the Holy Spirit can provide.  And He does.

You see, God is love.  It's a difficult concept for our earthly minds to comprehend.  God IS love.  He is the very essence of love, and all love flows through Him.   There is a great divide between knowing He loves you and feeling that love.  However, once you bridge that gap, there is no greater fulfillment than experiencing His love.  That is because His love is unconditional.  It is satisfying and it is perfect.  God does not want you to live in emotional torment, so ask for His help. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3) I am learning to place my hurts in His hands, and He is giving me rest.  That gaping hole in my chest?  It's being filled each day with the Father's perfect love.  I know now that there is Somebody who loves me with the depth I've sought for in others, and then some! When I feel emotionally gratified in Him, it alters the intent of my love for others.  There may never be an abundance of people that understand why I love so BIG, but He does.  And I have to be true to the heart that He gave me, as you should be true to yours...